The Breakdown of a Breakup – Towards a New Breakthrough

 November 7, 2007 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

Nothing can throw a teen off course quite like a breakup. All the energy that goes into this real-life drama can thwart academic progress and derail athletic performance as well. But pretending it didn’t happen isn’t the solution, nor is wallowing in the “if only’s.”

The Breakdown

Boy meets girl. Lust at first sight. Hormones raging. Lips locked in marathon make-out sessions. Hating to be away from each other and anxious for the next encounter. Non-stop texting. Moved to #1 on buddy list.

The Breakup

The newness fades. Flaws and defects begin to rear their ugly heads. You feel powerless to control the situation and yet that only strengthens your resolve to try to fix it. Playing the victim brings you some relief as your friends rally to validate everything you’re feeling. Fear sets in and your self-esteem plummets as you internalize all of this as somehow your fault and you vow to work harder to please. You’re scrambling now and using up every ounce of energy you have to set things right and get back to where you were.

Manipulation runs rampant until one brave soul musters the courage to finally say “this isn’t working.”

Boom. You crumble. Even if you saw it coming, nothing prepares you for those god-awful feelings that you’re left holding.

So now what?

The Breakthrough

Feel your feelings. Note, I didn’t say “wallow in your feelings.” It is so important to feel your feelings. Otherwise you’ll just keep pressing them down and one fine day when you least expect it, you’ll either explode in a fit of rage or implode in depression.

Give yourself time to grieve what you lost. Decide just how long you’ll give this your attention. For example, you might say “For the next hour I am going to cry, kick, scream and whine – and then I’m going to let it go.” If an hour doesn’t cut it, give yourself a couple of days. But the important part is to let those feelings go. 

Get clear about what you want. Most teens waste tons of energy romanticizing what was. I worked with a girl who spent nine months of misery trying to get her boyfriend back. Together we made a list of what she liked about her ex, and then added to that list everything she wanted in a soul mate kind of relationship. Through the process, she discovered that she really didn’t like the way the ex treated her and that she deserved better! The minute she got clear about what she was looking for, she started to feel better and began to effortlessly attract guys who had the very qualities that were on her list.

Shift your focus. What you think about becomes your reality. Give your attention to the list that you created and get excited about the possibility of having someone treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Imagine someone loving you for who you are – just the way you are. Picture yourself feeling safe to speak your truth and being with someone who honors and respects your thoughts and opinions.

Be grateful for the experience. That relationship was brought into your life to provide you with enough contrast and emotional charge about what you didn’t want so that you’d have a much clearer perspective to help you figure out exactly what you do want. See that messy, clumsy and imperfect relationship as a blessing and a gift that raised your awareness and brought you to a new level of understanding about yourself.

Always remember, it is better to want what you do not have, than to have what you do not want. Life is too short and too precious to just accept and settle for whatever comes along. Stay focused on what you want. Appreciate the contrast for what it is. Get excited about the power of your thoughts to create your reality. We teach others how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves. Love yourself and demand the best and then open your arms and your heart to receive everything you deserve.



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Posted in Dating & Relationships | Self-Esteem |
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