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Jess Weiner & The E.F. Hutton Effect: When You Talk Is Anyone Listening?

August 16, 2011 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

E. F. Hutton & Co. was a stock brokerage company founded in 1904 and was best known for its commercials in the 1970s and 1980s based on the phrase, “When E. F. Hutton talks, people listen.”

I’m sure every blogger can relate to the scene from the movie Julie & Julia when Julie, in the early stages of writing her blog asks “Is anyone listening?” Social media has changed the way we communicate and it sometimes feels like everyone is competing for air time - tweeting, posting and sharing our lives, thoughts, accomplishments and viewpoints with the world.

Last week, this played out in a big way when Jess Weiner’s article ran in Glamour Magazine. The title alone was provocative enough to cause quite a stir “Jess Weiner’s Weight Struggle: ‘Loving My Body Almost Killed Me,’” and the HAES (Health At Every Size), ED (Eating Disorders) and Positive Body Image Community all “weighed in” with comments, tweets, blog posts and status updates. Some were supportive and congratulatory on Jess’s courage, vulnerability and decision to put her health first, while others ripped her apart for the mixed message she was sending to a community that looked to her as a leader.

Although temped, I did not immediately add my voice to the mix. Instead, I sat back and observed what was happening and used that time to check my motives carefully. I realized that part of my initial reaction was - dare I admit it? Envy! There I said it. When Jess Weiner talks - people listen. You may not like what she had to say, but she has opened the door for amazing dialogue and for me, she created another giant opportunity to really turn within and pay attention to my own feelings and reactions. In other words - to listen to myself.

In my desire to be heard, to have a voice, to be acknowledged and recognized, I have come to understand that even if the whole world was waiting with baited breath to hear the next utterance that came out of my mouth - none of it - not one bit of it matters unless I take the time to truly listen to myself. As an advocate for healthy self-esteem and empowerment for teen girls and young women, I know I can’t give what I don’t have inside to offer. Like Abraham Lincoln acknowledged, “You can’t help the poor by becoming one of them,” likewise, I can’t help girls by acting like one or by relying on my old knee-jerk patterns of behavior.

It occurred to me, in watching the drama unfold in the blogosphere last week, that many of those who reacted and commented on the article, were also trying to be heard and vie for airtime with a well-placed link back to their own blogs. Ironically it’s this need to be heard, acknowledged and accepted that is at the root of many of our addictive behaviors and the greatest thing that could come out of all of this would be that we all begin to see that we are the ones who need to listen and approve of ourselves. Blaming Jess Weiner, or anyone else for that matter, is symptomatic of the lack of taking responsibility for our own lives. Whenever anyone is triggering something in me - it’s always me and my own thoughts that I need to look at.

I am in no way diminishing the seriousness of an eating disorder and as a woman in recovery, I know firsthand the challenges of healing from an addiction. But thankfully because of my recovery, I also know that whenever I am pointing the finger at anyone else, there are always three more pointing right back at me! It is only when I take full responsibility for my own thoughts and understand that I am the one who has created my own reality by the power of my thoughts - regardless of external circumstances - only then can I begin to transform and heal. Believing that one woman, by sharing her own experience has the power to damage an entire social movement is the epitome of giving away your own power.

In this new, ever-changing frontier of social media, where we get our sense of approval and acknowledgment from the “like” button, it is important to remember to hit the “like” button for ourselves. Now more than ever before, as our outreach becomes wider and the world becomes smaller due to our social networks, it is vital to turn within and take the time to listen to your own inner voice, guidance and truth. Otherwise, we are just adding more noise to an already very noisy world.

I personally want to thank Jess Weiner for providing me with a huge opportunity to pause, go within, check my motives and ask for guidance. This article was the result of that and came from a deep place inside of me. It may never reach the masses, but what is most important is that I took the time to listen to me - and that is recovery. I no longer need the whole world’s approval to feel good about me. I have also learned in my healing journey that whatever we resist persists and that what we push against just gets stronger. So today I am simply going to pray for those still suffering with any kind of addiction and for those still stuck in blaming others for how they feel. I have witnessed firsthand, and therefore will never doubt, the power of prayer, yet I also know that faith without works is dead. There is more work to be done - but it always begins within.

Let me be the first to “like” this! When Kathleen Hassan talks - I listen!

Best. Email. Ever.

April 20, 2011 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

I love my job! I get to travel and speak at schools and conferences all over the country. I get to inspire girls to find their power and voice and to dare to be their very best. It’s always new and never gets old. I am always willing to learn and grow right along with the girls. I’m so grateful that all of my own hard-earned experiences have become the very things that God used to be a blessing for others. I don’t need to look outside of myself for validation because the feeling of joy that I experience every time I step on stage and allow God to speak through me is a gift unto itself. But every now and then, I do receive that external validation and it is so amazing to know that what I have just shared has made a difference in the lives of others.

Last week I had the privilege of speaking to 5th grade girls and their moms for their annual Mother/Daughter Tea. This program is a Coming of Age initiative to help girls and their moms deal with their changing bodies and emotions. The response has been overwhelming. Below is the email that I received from one of the PTO Chairs who organized the event and who’s daughter was also in attendance. The video below that was taken immediately following the program and captures the reactions of the girls. Like I said, I love my job!! I hope you’ll consider bringing me in for your next mother/daughter event so that your girls and their moms can share in this powerful transformational program!

Kathleen, it’s taken me a couple of days to fully(?) process the wonderful transformational evening we experienced with you the other night…it really was MAGNIFICENT!!! I do feel very blessed that you were able to facilitate such an inspirational program with the girls (and Moms) at our annual event! My inbox is full of emails and my phone has not stopped since Thursday morning with people passing along kind words about the program you facilitated. Every soccer, baseball, softball, dance practice I attend, someone has either heard about the evening, or was there and says how wonderful it was! I believe that everyone who attended, felt inspired when they left that building!
Since I also work at the school, I had the unique opportunity to talk with the girls the next day and see what they were saying after having a night to think about it. Everyone loved you, loved the program, and based on their comments I could tell that there was some aspect of the night that resonated with each of them. I was overwhelmed at one point in the day when I saw a couple of the girls doing the hand gestures to Dream-Believe-Receive-Achieve at recess! The teachers were all asking questions about the program as well, since the girls were so enthusiastic about how much they loved it!
I also had a mother say to me on Friday that she was thrilled to hear her daughter say that she really felt “good” about herself after leaving that night; especially since her daughter has been dealing with anxiety issues this year, and has been working with a therapist. She said “Mom, Kathleen said a lot of the same things my therapist says…” It really helped her to hear a similar message from another source - especially one who knows first hand that life can be hard - but you can deal with it. Another Mom commented on how she liked that message the most as well - she said “I loved that Kathleen didn’t sugar-coat anything for the girls…telling them they will face hardships, but that they will be able to get through them” was refreshing.
On a personal note, I know that Emma loved it and was definitely walking out of the auditorium that night feeling"mah-velous!” especially with the renewed sense that she is capable of anything she sets her mind to. It was late by the time we got home that night, and Emma was having a hard time winding down and falling asleep, so she jumped into bed with me and we were chatting about the night (another memory I will treasure from that night!). One of the things that struck her the most was how positive you are, especially given the fact that you faced so many hardships at such a young age. Thank-you for sharing your story, it really made an impact!
I’ll be sure to pass along any more comments I hear from parents/kids/teachers, but for now, all I can say is Thank-You, Thank-You, Thank-You!
We’ll be in touch soon!
Jenn

Confidence Tip: Avoid the Comparison Trap

September 20, 2010 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

Warning! Falling into the comparison trap can keep you stuck and trapped in a prison of your own making. Comparing yourself to others sets you up for a lifetime of lack. It is the energy of scarcity and will leave you always wanting more; never satisfied, never feeling good enough.

Stop comparing your insides to someone else’s outsides. You never know, the girl with the new Louis Vuitton bag might be dying inside. If someone has something or some quality that you admire or wish you had, instead of getting jealous simply say, “That’s for me!” When you switch your energy from envy to intention, You become a magnet and actually attract more great things into your life.

“Comparison is a thief of joy.” ~Theodore Roosevelt

Weighing In on HUGE

August 16, 2010 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

Have you seen ABC Family’s latest summer blockbuster, HUGE? It’s the story of a group of teens at a weight loss camp, otherwise known as fat camp. When I first heard about it, I was intrigued, skeptical and disgusted all at the same time. Another show focusing on what is wrong with teens today and yet another blatant example of the media exploiting social issues to their advantage. Due to a regular Monday night commitment, I haven’t been home to watch it, but as I said, I was intrigued, so I had been taping it. Last week I sat down to a HUGE marathon and have to say, not only was I pleasantly surprised, I actually loved it.

HUGE is well written and the characters are engaging, interesting and so lovable - even though none of them would ever claim that to be true. There are so many layers to the premise of this show. Yes, it’s about body image and all that goes with that, but it is about so much more; relationships, mother/daughter dynamics, friendships, fitting in, brothers and sisters, fathers and daughters, addictions and 12 step recovery, surrender, spirituality, self-esteem, confidence, families, resentments, forgiveness, prayer, religion, affirmations, gratitude, divine guidance, sports, teamwork, leadership, trust and learning to speak the truth.

The ramifications of such a powerful show are, dare I say, HUGE! I can’t say that I’ve laughed out loud, but I have cried and have identified with so many of the raw emotions that these characters are dealing with. The main character, Will is played by Nikki Blonsky and she is so full of anger, resentment and resistance to change. She is afraid that if she gives in, she will be succumbing to society’s expectations of who she should be. She is caught between the message of self-acceptance and trying to swallow the implications of what that means in an environment that is forcing you to shrink to an acceptable size.

Jess Weiner, Global Ambassador for the Dove Self-Esteem Fund and teen girl advocate has been blogging about HUGE before it even aired and has created a weekly Conversation Guide for each episode. As a Hollywood insider and a voice for change, Jess has interviewed the creators and all the cast members. The writers, Savanah Dooley and Winnie Holzman along with Nikki Blonsky all said that they hope this series becomes more than a show about body image and that people will really resonate with the characters. I’d say that their focused intention has made manifest and together they have created a powerful vehicle for compassion and change. Just like The Cosby Show initially began as a show about a black family, or Will and Grace started out as a show about being gay, both of them became so much more and gave us the opportunity to see past the initial label. HUGE has the potential to be way more than just a show about overweight kids.

As a teen girl advocate myself, self-esteem and empowerment has been the theme of my work for the last fifteen years as well as the focus of my own healing journey for my entire life. I’m not working to fix anyone, but rather to help young women look within for their power, voice and truth. At first glance, HUGE may appear to be just another show about fixing what’s wrong with teens today, but after watching my HUGE marathon I am excited and filled with so much hope. Finally something good on TV that just might actually make a difference.

Definitely check out HUGE on Monday nights on ABC Family and also check out all the other cool interviews on Jess’s blog. The latest is with Ari Stidham, the guy who plays Ian. His advice to any girl that has an issue with her body? “Confidence. Love yourself because you’re a human being. Don’t love yourself because you look a certain way. Love yourself because you were put on this Earth for a reason. And um, that’s attractive.” OMG Ari, I couldn’t have said it better if I tried!!!

When the Bully is You!

January 29, 2010 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

And by you, I mean me.

I’ve been procrastinating about writing this article for about a month now because it’s rather humbling to discover that after lecturing about self-esteem and empowerment to teen girls for over a decade that the bully was actually me.

But after reading an article in the Boston Globe the other day about Phoebe Prince, a fifteen year old girl who committed suicide after being bullied at school by the so-called “mean girls,” I knew that the time had come to tell this story. I hope to shed a different light on the topic of girls and bullying in order to better understand both perspectives and to help heal both the bullies and the bullied.

I’ve never been one to hop on the anti-bullying crusade because I have learned that whatever we push against, we actually bring more of the same back into our experience. In other words, what we resist persists. Mother Teresa understood this universal law of cause and effect and was well known for never attending anti-war protests and would only attend peace rallies. Our thoughts become our experiences so becoming outraged and pushing back against the mean girls is a losing battle and one that I choose not to participate in.

Every girl I know has been bullied in some way to various degrees. And if we are being totally honest, we have all probably bullied someone else too and like my own recent revelation, perhaps you were never really aware of it.

This past fall I received a friend request on Facebook from a girl I went to junior and senior high school with. When I saw her name I actually cringed as she and I did not get along nor did we hang out in the same circles. To put it bluntly, I couldn’t stand her. Susan was such a goody two shoes, always trying too hard. She was the girl who would raise her hand and remind the teacher about a quiz we were supposed to have that day.

I didn’t friend her immediately, but mentioned it to my friend Elaine who also went to school with us. When I said the other girl’s name, Elaine said with such compassion, “Oh, as I recall, people were not very kind to her in high school.” As I drove home from Elaine’s that day I thought to myself, Hell, I probably wasn’t that kind to her… that girl drove me nuts! My very next thought was that I owed her an amends because I am not the same person I was in high school and looking back I could see that Susan was just so desperate to be good enough and to fit in - and I knew that feeling well.

When I friended her, I included a note and apologized for the way I treated her in high school. Here’s what I wrote:

I remember you well Susan and I remember never being very kind to you. I’m really sorry. For most of my life I suffered from low self-esteem and I took every opportunity to tear others down in order to try and artificially build myself back up. Although it’s no excuse, my dad died when I was ten and my mother was an
angry, abusive, lonely and sick widow with five kids. She died when I was 16 and left me with a gaping hole inside of me and desperate to fill it up - so I chose anger, drugs and alcohol.

When Susan responded she told me about her own challenges that she faced as she maneuvered her way through school:

Although no one ever knew it, I was being abused by my father all through school. I’ve worked incredibly hard to heal through the scars left and to realize who I am meant to be, but I also happen to feel like that is a life long mission, and somewhere in us, no matter how old we are, is this little girl who can easily sabotage us if we give her a voice.

Then she added:

I was estranged from my parents for 13 years and am still estranged from my Dad. My mom and dad divorced 3 years ago and my mom came back into our lives. I forced her into some counseling with me to help her heal a bit. During one of those sessions, my counselor asked her if she had ever believed me when I told her what my dad was doing. She responded that that was why she sent me to counseling as a teenager. When prompted a bit more, she said I had come home from school telling her of being bullied by kids at school and that she had called one of the mothers to talk about it. The mother told her I must be lying so she decided to get me some counseling. That was your Mom, BTW. So in this very random and bizarre way, there was good that came out of it.

It just goes to show you that you never know what kind of burdens someone else is carrying. I teach girls that all the time - that it takes nothing to be kind, and your words can either build someone up or tear them down.

This story also paints a revealing portrait of the insecurities of a bully. For the most part, bullies see in their victims something about themselves that they secretly hate or are unwilling to look at and accept. As with me and Susan, her desperate attempt to be good enough was like a mirror being held up to me and I just couldn’t look at it - so instead I lashed out from a place of defensive fear. We were actually more alike than we were different. We were both desperately looking for love, we both felt unworthy of that love, we both felt abandonment and loss and we attracted each other like magnets.

Since the story broke about the suicide of Phoebe Prince, there have been hundreds of blog posts, articles, legislative joint panels targeting bully prevention and in South Hadley, MA, letters from parents and residents prompted the creation of an antibullying task force at the high school. Every outcry is fueled by anger, outrage, pain and fear.

But how is any of this truly helping the situation if in fact that what we resist persists? Pushing against bullying is only creating more of the same. Our thoughts create what we see - wanted or not. What we see creates our experience and if we just keep focusing on what is and saying things like “We must put things in place to stop this bullying” we are still focused on the experience and therefore that is still what we are thinking about and as a result we will continue to see more of the same.

So what can we do?

We must shift our thoughts away from what we don’t want and hold a vision of every girl finding her true power and learning how to tap into the source of her higher power for her guidance. What we don’t need is more anti anything. What we do need and what is most lacking in our culture is a return to spiritual values and a return to love. To me, God is love and yet God gave us the freedom of choice. So when we are consciously choosing love, we are allowing the grace of God to flow into the situation. Grace, simply put is the unmerited and unconditional love and strength of God that can and will heal any situation.

We must let go of playing the blame game. Whenever we are pointing a finger out there, there are always three more pointing right back at us. Years ago, I read a book called “Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood.” The author, Wayne Mueller told about the time he was asked to head a task force in California following the Rodney King beatings and trial and the ongoing riots in LA. His only stipulation for heading up this coalition was that everyone involved must commit to letting go of blame. The parents were blaming the schools, the educators were blaming the legislators, the cops were blaming the kids and the kids were blaming all of the above. No healing can happen as long as we hold onto the blame. We must take responsibility for the fact that we are sad, hurt or afraid and then learn to shift those thoughts from the contrast back to what it is we want. Otherwise we are simply participants in the no-win vicious cycle.

If you are being bullied - you must take responsibility for letting go of the victim mindset by understanding where your true power comes from. As difficult as this may sound, you must be willing to forgive and yes, even love the bully. Hurt people hurt people. See the bully with a giant bandaid on their forehead and know that they are trying to get their power by making you feel less than. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” When you let go and surrender your thoughts of being victimized, it’s like putting down the rope in a tug of war and the bully is simply holding a limp rope with no resistance and no power surge left to be had.

If you are the bully - get in touch with your real, underlying feelings for why you do what you do. Everything we do is either an act of love or a call for love. Bullying others in a strange way is simply a call for love. That power rush that you feel by making others feel less than is fleeting and it will never be enough nor will it sustain you and guide you towards becoming the magnificent person you were born to be. That kind of power can only be found by connecting to your own higher power - the source of all love, joy, well-being and prosperity. Make amends and say you’re sorry and then most importantly forgive yourself. You will be amazed at the new sense of freedom and power you feel as you let the grace of God flow into your heart.

If you are the parent of a bully or the bullied - the first thing you must do is heal your own mind and conditioned thoughts so that your reactions are not being filtered through the lens of blame, guilt, shame and buried wounds from your own past. Once we do that we can let go of the need to defend the actions of our children which comes from a place of fear and insecurity about how it reflects back to us and our parenting skills. We can then step back objectively and be fully present and available to our kids who, whether they are the bully or the bullied, are both crying out for unconditional love.

I wish I had had the opportunity to coach Phoebe and teach her to find her own inner power and strength. But perhaps Phoebe played a bigger role than any of us can even imagine and that she gave her life to bring a new awareness into the world. That is the thought I choose to embrace and to remember that the only thing I have power over is my own thoughts. Today I choose thoughts of love and forgiveness and that makes one less bully in the world today.

note: Susan has given me permission to use her name and share our story. We have met several times now for tea and healing and she is very open with her story as well as her love and forgiveness.

Girls Helping Girls

October 30, 2009 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

You don’t have to look very far to get a glimpse of what’s wrong with girls today. Pick up any magazine, peruse your local bookstore, google “teen girls” or turn on the television and view the vast array of in-your-face perspectives of the dark side of growing up girl in today’s image-obsessed culture. Shows, magazines and even the very self-help experts themselves, portrayed as counter-culture saviors to assist today’s young women maneuver their way through the pitfalls of adolescence, all focus more on the problem and what’s wrong vs. the solution and what’s right with girls today.

All of this can be very overwhelming and there are days that I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and asking “What’s the use?”

Last week, like an answered prayer, I got the shift in perspective I had been asking for and I was filled up with hope watching two young women demonstrating everything that’s right with girls today. I was invited for the second year in a row to speak to 1500 7th grade girls at the Young Women’s Leadership Conference in York, PA. I was the opening keynote speaker, presented a workshop on body image and then closed the conference with a message of hope and a take action challenge for the girls to find their power within and to dare to step up and make a difference in this world.

The event was held at York College and this year, students from SIFE (Students In Free Enterprise) were to present a 15 minute program to the girls during the conference as part of a community outreach project. The conference planner had told me that in years past, these presentations hadn’t gone over very well and the girls didn’t pay attention. So I offered to coach the girls who were in charge of the project to help them create a presentation that would engage, inspire and challenge their audience. Trust me, 7th grade girls can eat you alive if you don’t gear a program that answers the questions What’s in it for me? and Why should I listen to you?

It was such a privilege to work with Nicole Smolenski and Shablis Glover, the SIFE project directors. They were so open and willing to be coached because they really wanted to succeed and more importantly to make an impact on younger women. They remember what it was like to be in 7th grade and they know how hard it can be desperately trying to fit in while secretly hoping to stand out.

Shablis Glover, Kathleen, Nicole Smolenski

Nicole and Shablis entitled their program “Dressing the Girl in the Mirror” which dovetailed off my talk, “Loving the Girl in the Mirror: Reflections of Your True Self.” They took every suggestion I gave them and ran with it. They created a phenomenal PowerPoint presentation that showed similar outfits, each created from name brand stores along with their whopping price tags and then demonstrated how to create that look for less. But they didn’t just tell them – they showed them.

The girls teamed up with a local consignment store and then enlisted the help of their fellow SIFE members as models and created a fashion show that totally rocked the house! It was so amazing and these models of every shape and size really worked it! They showed the girls how cool it can be to be yourself and how to step out in confidence without the designer labels. It was just so powerful to watch girls helping girls and it was such a privilege to be a small part of making that happen.

Click here to see more pics of the fashion show and to see the photos of me presenting to the girls click here!

It’s moments like these that remind me why I do the work that I do. Amidst a world of twittering publicity hounds all vying for the media’s attention in the hopes of becoming the next “big thing” we can sometimes get caught up in all of it and lose our way and wonder how on earth we can begin to be heard and make a difference. And every now and then I get a note like the one below that helps me to know that my voice and my message of hope is being heard… and for that I am so grateful.

My daughter, was a participant in your Young Women’s Leadership Conference the other day in Pennsylvania.

I would like to thank you for inspiring my daughter! She has been talking non-stop about you and your message. She has been through a lot in the past few years… her father & I divorced, her father is not as involved in her life as she would like, I remarried to a wonderful man with three sons, and her Aunt, to whom she is close, was recently diagnosed with Stage IV Breast Cancer. My daughter is a trooper, but often times she internalizes things & then “blows up”. However, in the past couple of days, she is smiling, she’s positive, she is repeating what she heard at the conference & it is amazing!!

Thank you for being such an inspiration & for connecting with my daughter at such an impressionable time in her life!

Teen Halloween Alert: Scary Trick

October 14, 2009 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

Contemplating what to dress up as for Halloween? How about a lollipop?

A recent ad for Ralph Lauren has sparked a huge controversy all over the internet. The image displays the already thin model, Philippa Hamilton wearing the latest of Ralph’s fall designer duds, but the photo has been digitally altered to the point where her waist is actually smaller than her own head! And yes, she actually looks like a human lollipop!

Mothers scrambling to find the latest L’il Lollipop costume for their daughters!

“NO! you say, “Not Ralph too?” Yup – even Ralph. But wait, it gets worse, Ralph actually sicked his lawyers on the sites that first commented on this travesty. The blog Boing Boing, who was the first to bring this to light received copyright infringement violation notifications – but would not back down. Boing Boing editor, Cory Docktorow wrote “So, to Ralph Lauren, GreenbergTraurig, and PRL Holdings, Inc: sue and be damned. Copyright law doesn’t give you the right to threaten your critics for pointing out the problems with your offerings. You should know better.” And then went even further saying they would continue to push back and inform the public about this to ensure that they got a good look at Ralph’s practices and promised to feed his models soup and sandwiches to fatten them up!

And it worked! Ralph conceded and finally fessed up and issued this statement:

“For over 42 years we have built a brand based on quality and integrity. After further investigation, we have learned that we are responsible for the poor imaging and retouching that resulted in a very distorted image of a woman’s body. We have addressed the problem and going forward will take every precaution to ensure that the caliber of our artwork represents our brand appropriately.”

So girls, as you make this oh-so-important decision about what to be for Halloween, spend some time contemplating who you want to be in life. Decide now to be a leader, to be brave and let your voice be heard. Let the media and the world know that you refuse to buy into society’s standards and illusions about beauty.

Here are 6 simple things you can do to change this travesty and take charge for yourself and for women all over the world:

Raise your awareness about the media’s manipulation by visiting sites like About Face that aims to combat negative and distorted images of women.
Question today’s standards of beauty and decide for yourself your own definition of beauty – to me Confidence is Beautiful!
Raise your voice and let companies know that it’s not cool to distort women’s bodies and to warp young women’s minds into thinking that fake is real – because it’s not.
Gather strength in numbers and use the power of a group to boycott companies and magazines that distort the truth by using this topic for a school project or community outreach program.
Love and appreciate your body – exactly the way it is. Make a list of all the things you appreciate about your body instead of focusing on all of your faults.
Be compassionate for women of all shapes and sizes. You may never know what inner battle is going on inside someone else. You could be the one who builds her up or tears her down. Now that is real power!

The timing for this media brouhaha was perfect as I am preparing a Body Image program for 1500 7th grade girls at the Young Women’s Leadership Conference in York PA. It’s hard to think about world peace and becoming a leader when all you can think about is how much you hate your thighs. It’s time to change all that and to teach girls that real beauty comes from within.

Stop buying into and accepting this Trick and then open your arms to the Treat that you will experience by daring to become Your Very Best YOU!

Posted in Body Image | Self-Confidence | Self-Esteem | Teen Girls |
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The Quest for the Perfect Breasts

October 7, 2009 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

It’s October and time again for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I am all for finding a cure for breast cancer and any kind of cancer for that matter, but what I am not all for is focusing on the disease itself. The Law of Attraction states that whatever you focus your attention upon is returned to you multiplied. So if that is true, why on Earth would we want to set aside a whole month placing all of our focus on the disease of breast cancer? (But no, if you focus on that picture above, you will not grow bigger boobs – that’s not how the Law of Attraction works!!)

So I’m proposing “Love Your Boobs Month!” As a matter of fact, another teen empowerment specialist, Jess Weiner just wrote a fabulous article this month in Seventeen Magazine about Making Peace with Your Boobs! (Great minds think alike apparently!!)

I’m a 53 year old woman with the chest of a pre-pubescent 12-year-old. My cup size is 34 nearly A and I have to shop in the girls department for beginner bras! It has taken me a lifetime to learn how to love and accept my breasts exactly the way they are. I even did a stand-up comedy routine at a comedy club about my quest for the perfect breasts. I made fun of all the names of bras like The 18 Hour Bra for example – who the hell wears a bra for eighteen freaking hours at a time? Another was a bra called Sweet Nothings and I lamented, they may be nothing to you, but I fed two babies with these sweet nothings!

When I was 15 years old, my mother was taking me and my siblings out for dinner. I came downstairs all dressed up and ready to go and my mother took one look at me and said “Can’t you stuff? I don’t want to be seen with a flat-chested daughter!” My own mother didn’t even love and accept me just the way I was, so how was I supposed to love myself?

I’ve been teased mercilessly all my life for my flat chest. In Junior High School a boy called me a Carpenter’s Dream, which translated meant – flat as a board and easy to screw! One might wonder why I didn’t just say “screw it” and get a boob job. Well first of all, I never had a spare ten grand lying around! But seriously I just never, ever wanted to go to such extremes to fit in and be just like everyone else. I knew that my life lesson was all about self-love and acceptance and two pounds of rubber and silicone wouldn’t change the inside of me – the part that never felt good enough.

On the bright side, I was an aerobics instructor for ten years prior to my current career as a Confidence Coach and Inspirational Speaker and Author, and being flat-chested certainly had its advantages back in the day of “feel the burn” and “pump it up.” Whenever I’d turn up the music and increase the intensity, all the big-boobed women in class would moan and grab hold of their racks for dear life – mine never moved the entire time!

Some day, when I get a spare minute or so, I want to write and star in a One Woman Play called Boobs, Jugs, Hooters & Tits and donate all of the proceeds to Healthy Breast Research. Imagine if everyone took all the money they’ve spent on boob jobs and put it towards programs that foster inner beauty and self-esteem? The thought of it makes me well all up and get all misty eyed. Fortunately for me, I always have some tissues on hand – looks like Mother always did know best!!

Yes ladies, it’s definitely time to make peace with da girlz!!

Teen Girls: Making the List

September 29, 2009 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

Last week at New Jersey’s top-ranked Milburn High School, senior “it” girls circulated their annual “Slut List” of incoming freshman girls. A dozen or more names are written on a piece of notebook paper along with vulgar descriptions and are copied and circulated around the school.

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One might assume that this is just another awful example of girl bullying, but in this case, you’d be wrong. According to William Miron, the principal of Milburn High, this has been going on for a decade and said “We’ve had girls obsessed that their names are on it, and girls who were upset that they didn’t make the list.”

That’s right, some girls actually are disappointed if they don’t make the list! Is this really what girl power is all about? Seriously?

As a Confidence Coach, I help girls learn how to look within, find their truth and autentic power and dare to speak that truth. But has the message of Rachel Simmons’ book “The Curse of the Good Girl” been misconstrued and sent girls careening in the opposite direction towards becoming badder than bad?

I’ll never forget the day in high school when my “so-called” best friend came up to me and in the name of “I thought you’d want to know” informed me that there was a rumor going around school that I was a slut. I felt like I had just been sucker punched. I remember actually laughing and pretending that it didn’t bother me one bit, but inside I was humiliated and mortified.

It was September of my sophomore year of high school and just one month before, my mother died. I was sixteen, alone, scared and was literally looking for love in all the wrong places. My dad died when I was ten so I had no parental guidance whatsoever and had to maneuver my way through this world alone. I was desperate for love and tried to get it in any way I could – and it backfired miserably.

Many years of self-esteem building and therapy sessions later, I am passionately determined to help teen girls find their authentic voice and power and learn how to break free of the societal brainwashing that masquerades as “girl power.”

We live in a culture where becoming well known supercedes just about every other value we hold dear. And it’s not just with our youth, adults buy into this just as much and the acclaim and fame seems to go to those with the biggest friend list on facebook and followers on twitter. Is it any wonder that girls would get a power rush at the mention of their name making it onto any list?

Every single one of us is looking for love in all the wrong places. The fulfillment, the self-worth, the self-respect can only be found within from the source of all love and power. Jesus said “the kingdom of heaven is within you” and Buddha said “look within, thou art the Buddha.”

Stop for a moment and just take a breath. Notice the air as it moves in and out of your body. Quiet your mind and be still. Turn down the volume of the world’s chatter where everyone is clamoring for their spot and just be. Turn your attention inward and listen for that soft and gentle guidance that will lead you towards your best and highest good – better than you could ever imagine.

We really can create anything our heart desires. So why not put all of your energy on creating what you really want instead of wasting another moment of your life hoping to be on some stupid list. The only list I hope to be on is God’s list of those who woke up and remembered the truth about my power of choice to co-create a life beyond my wildest dreams when I connect to the source of all love within.

Posted in Coaching | Self-Confidence | Self-Esteem | Teen Girls |
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Teen Girl With the Weight of the World on Her Shoulders

April 9, 2009 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

A Response to Jayleene

what can you do when the world’s weight is on your sholders? i feel like i might just break down completely…and then end up Back in Rehab..but instead of outpatient in will be Inpatient…my problem is something that you spoke about when you came to my school..thou it’s not somthing you talked alot about..i guess it’s hard for people to understand what i do..and i don’t feel like saying cause i get judged. or called crazy. so whatever. but i guess i just need help..i need to know what to do so i can help myself..to stop my hurting.

Hi Jayleene – thank you so much for reaching out to me. That is a HUGE accomplishment and it is like your soul is tugging on your sleeve trying to get your attention to wake up and discover your true power.

It doesn’t matter what you’re doing to yourself – drugs, sex, cutting, drinking… whatever. They are all ways that we try to numb our feelings and escape the effects of low self-esteem. The reason your feelings are so heavy and you feel like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders is because your strategy for trying to control things just isn’t working and you’re trying to change things externally instead of looking within to change the only thing that you can control – your thoughts.

What you think about becomes your reality and you attract back whatever you focus on the most. Learning to control your thoughts and harness the power of your mind can be challenging if you’ve always given in to lazy thoughts or bought into society’s standards about who you “should” be and you haven’t been able to truly know who you are.

The very first thing you need to do is to just breathe. Take a couple of deep, cleansing breaths and just imagine yourself breathing out all of the stress and pain that you’ve been carrying around for so long. Just that simple act can quiet down your mind and help you to feel less stressed and out of control.

From your email, I can see that you’re focused on feeling crummy and insecure and in pain. It will take some effort to shift your thoughts, but try making a list of things that you’re thankful for. It may sound dorky, but it can really help you learn how to train your mind to look for the good instead of the bad. It’s like sending your brain to the gym… you need to give it a good workout.

Then start saying positive things to yourself like:

I am enough

I am good enough

I am a child of God

I have a right to be here

I am loveable

I have a right to love and be loved

Who I am makes a difference

Even if you don’t believe them at first, your soul will recognize it as the truth. Your ego has been running the show and the ego runs on fear. In every moment we have the choice to see the world through the eyes of fear or love. The more you practice this kind of self-talk, the more you develop self-love. Over time it becomes a habit and eventually forms new beliefs within us. That is the way to build up your own self-esteem. Nobody can do it for you, but you have to believe that you are worthy and deserving of a happy life – and you are, simply because you are the beloved child of God.

I would love to coach you to help you shift your thoughts to what you want instead of what you don’t want. But you’d have to talk to your mom or dad about hiring me as your life coach. More and more girls are discovering their power and reaching out and asking for help. The sad thing is that most parents immediately think therapy… and although there are many benefits to therapy, therapy looks backwards and tries to figure out what’s wrong and coaching helps you look at everything as just contrast to help you get clear about what you want and what’s right and then helps you move towards that.

A great life is within your power. You are stronger than you can even believe. How do I know? I have been where you are. Maybe the circumstances are different, but the feelings are the same and I have turned my life around. I know firsthand that this is all possible. Your soul already knows the truth… and we’re here to remember and return to the source of our true power.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please try some of the suggestions I gave you. Nothing changes unless something changes – and the only thing you have the power to change is YOU.

There is only so much I can do in an email and I really hope you let someone know how much you’re hurting.

GIANT HUGS,

Kathleen

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