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Weighing In on HUGE

August 16, 2010 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

Have you seen ABC Family’s latest summer blockbuster, HUGE? It’s the story of a group of teens at a weight loss camp, otherwise known as fat camp. When I first heard about it, I was intrigued, skeptical and disgusted all at the same time. Another show focusing on what is wrong with teens today and yet another blatant example of the media exploiting social issues to their advantage. Due to a regular Monday night commitment, I haven’t been home to watch it, but as I said, I was intrigued, so I had been taping it. Last week I sat down to a HUGE marathon and have to say, not only was I pleasantly surprised, I actually loved it.

HUGE is well written and the characters are engaging, interesting and so lovable - even though none of them would ever claim that to be true. There are so many layers to the premise of this show. Yes, it’s about body image and all that goes with that, but it is about so much more; relationships, mother/daughter dynamics, friendships, fitting in, brothers and sisters, fathers and daughters, addictions and 12 step recovery, surrender, spirituality, self-esteem, confidence, families, resentments, forgiveness, prayer, religion, affirmations, gratitude, divine guidance, sports, teamwork, leadership, trust and learning to speak the truth.

The ramifications of such a powerful show are, dare I say, HUGE! I can’t say that I’ve laughed out loud, but I have cried and have identified with so many of the raw emotions that these characters are dealing with. The main character, Will is played by Nikki Blonsky and she is so full of anger, resentment and resistance to change. She is afraid that if she gives in, she will be succumbing to society’s expectations of who she should be. She is caught between the message of self-acceptance and trying to swallow the implications of what that means in an environment that is forcing you to shrink to an acceptable size.

Jess Weiner, Global Ambassador for the Dove Self-Esteem Fund and teen girl advocate has been blogging about HUGE before it even aired and has created a weekly Conversation Guide for each episode. As a Hollywood insider and a voice for change, Jess has interviewed the creators and all the cast members. The writers, Savanah Dooley and Winnie Holzman along with Nikki Blonsky all said that they hope this series becomes more than a show about body image and that people will really resonate with the characters. I’d say that their focused intention has made manifest and together they have created a powerful vehicle for compassion and change. Just like The Cosby Show initially began as a show about a black family, or Will and Grace started out as a show about being gay, both of them became so much more and gave us the opportunity to see past the initial label. HUGE has the potential to be way more than just a show about overweight kids.

As a teen girl advocate myself, self-esteem and empowerment has been the theme of my work for the last fifteen years as well as the focus of my own healing journey for my entire life. I’m not working to fix anyone, but rather to help young women look within for their power, voice and truth. At first glance, HUGE may appear to be just another show about fixing what’s wrong with teens today, but after watching my HUGE marathon I am excited and filled with so much hope. Finally something good on TV that just might actually make a difference.

Definitely check out HUGE on Monday nights on ABC Family and also check out all the other cool interviews on Jess’s blog. The latest is with Ari Stidham, the guy who plays Ian. His advice to any girl that has an issue with her body? “Confidence. Love yourself because you’re a human being. Don’t love yourself because you look a certain way. Love yourself because you were put on this Earth for a reason. And um, that’s attractive.” OMG Ari, I couldn’t have said it better if I tried!!!

Girls and Guidance

February 8, 2010 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

A week doesn’t go by without receiving an email (or several) from girls desperately looking for guidance. The details of their stories may differ, but the essence of each request is exactly the same: “Please help!” Help me figure out if I should tell this guy how I feel… Help me learn how to be more confident around other people… Help me figure out what my next step should be… Help me get along better with my mom.

There was a time when I would personally answer each request and offer suggestions about how they might move through their challenge. This could easily have turned into a full time job if I let it, so I decided to reach more girls who might be going through the very same challenges by posting my responses on my blog or by creating videos on YouTube. Not only would I be helping more girls, but I was also setting gentle boundaries for myself so that I didn’t feel so obligated to personally respond to every single cry for help.

As much as I love hearing from these girls, what I love even more is to empower and teach them how to turn inward and trust their own inner guidance for their next right step or direction so they won’t have to keep looking outside of themselves for their answers. It reminds me of the Chinese proverb, “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.”

Call it intuition, divine guidance, an inner voice or simply a quiet knowing, each of us has the ability to access a source of wisdom that will lead us to the next right step. Learning how to access it and then trust it is something that requires both practice and patience.

Here are some steps you can take to begin to make that connection and tap into your own inner guidance.

Develop a daily practice of sitting still and quieting your mind.

Carve out five to ten minutes each day to just be. Make this time sacred by lighting a candle, listening to soft music and focusing on your breathing. You may not notice any immediate answers or see any dramatic changes at first. After you’ve been practicing and developing this habit for awhile, it will begin to have a cumulative effect and you will start to notice a clarity of mind and your answers will come to you as a hunch or in a flash of inspiration. An additional step to making this practice stick is to actually have an uncluttered sacred space to practice your daily ritual.

Get in the habit of writing in a diary or journal either every morning or evening.

In Julia Cameron’s book “The Artist’s Way,” she recommends writing morning pages to get the creative juices flowing. She asks you to commit to writing 3 pages each day. In the beginning you may just be writing things like “how the heck am I going to fill up three whole pages?”, but eventually the words will begin to flow. Once you get the hang of it, you can write out a question and then like magic, guidance will spill out onto the page.

Ask for divine guidance.

Develop a relationship with your own concept of a higher power and then have a conversation and ask for help. Many christians live their lives and receive their next right step by asking WWJD? or What Would Jesus Do? If you were brought up in a different faith you can simply ask the question, “What would love do?” To me that means the very same thing because I believe that God is love and when you align your actions with love, then you can never go wrong and your answer will come from the ultimate authority and source of all truth.

Here are a few important reminders as well as the benefits to receiving guidance:

Don’t try to solve big problems all at once.

All you need to do is look for the next right step and then take action on that guidance. It’s like driving in the dark with only your headlights to light your way. You can’t see the final destination, and yet you get there by seeing only the next 200 feet in front of you.

Pay attention to the signals your body is sending you.

We each have our own built-in GPS system that lets us know when we’re off course. If something doesn’t feel right to you, then it probably isn’t the right choice for you.

You have to stay alert when you’re seeking guidance.

It will show up in all sorts of ways and you could miss it if you’re not noticing the signs along the way. One of the benefits of practicing the suggestions mentioned above is that you develop what is known as mindfulness as you become fully engaged and take an active role in the creation of a fabulous life instead of letting life happen to you.

Adolescence is about learning to take responsibility (response ability). In other words, developing the ability to respond to whatever happens and to deal with it by making your own decisions. Probably the biggest payoff to developing your own internal guidance system is that along the way, you start to strengthen your own inner trust muscles and the result is self-confidence. An added bonus to that is when you start to trust yourself then others begin to trust you too. How cool would it be if instead of complaining that your parents don’t trust you to make good decisions, you could effortlessly gain their trust by practicing these few simple steps.

Remember, there’s nothing wrong with asking for advice. But never take that advice without first running it through your own internal guidance system to make sure it’s the next right step for you.

There are lots of free downloads available on my site to help you connect to your own guidance, as well as some cd’s and mp3’s you can purchase that will also help you learn how to harness the power of your mind to create a life you love!

NOTE: In my next blog post, I’ll be delving deeper into the topic of divine guidance and angelic assistance. One girl recently asked me how she could connect to her “angles and sprite guides.” Spelling, structure and grammar aside, I was thrilled that she wanted to learn more about her “angels and spirit guides” in an effort to connect to her own inner wisdom and truth.

Girls Helping Girls

October 30, 2009 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

You don’t have to look very far to get a glimpse of what’s wrong with girls today. Pick up any magazine, peruse your local bookstore, google “teen girls” or turn on the television and view the vast array of in-your-face perspectives of the dark side of growing up girl in today’s image-obsessed culture. Shows, magazines and even the very self-help experts themselves, portrayed as counter-culture saviors to assist today’s young women maneuver their way through the pitfalls of adolescence, all focus more on the problem and what’s wrong vs. the solution and what’s right with girls today.

All of this can be very overwhelming and there are days that I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and asking “What’s the use?”

Last week, like an answered prayer, I got the shift in perspective I had been asking for and I was filled up with hope watching two young women demonstrating everything that’s right with girls today. I was invited for the second year in a row to speak to 1500 7th grade girls at the Young Women’s Leadership Conference in York, PA. I was the opening keynote speaker, presented a workshop on body image and then closed the conference with a message of hope and a take action challenge for the girls to find their power within and to dare to step up and make a difference in this world.

The event was held at York College and this year, students from SIFE (Students In Free Enterprise) were to present a 15 minute program to the girls during the conference as part of a community outreach project. The conference planner had told me that in years past, these presentations hadn’t gone over very well and the girls didn’t pay attention. So I offered to coach the girls who were in charge of the project to help them create a presentation that would engage, inspire and challenge their audience. Trust me, 7th grade girls can eat you alive if you don’t gear a program that answers the questions What’s in it for me? and Why should I listen to you?

It was such a privilege to work with Nicole Smolenski and Shablis Glover, the SIFE project directors. They were so open and willing to be coached because they really wanted to succeed and more importantly to make an impact on younger women. They remember what it was like to be in 7th grade and they know how hard it can be desperately trying to fit in while secretly hoping to stand out.

Shablis Glover, Kathleen, Nicole Smolenski

Nicole and Shablis entitled their program “Dressing the Girl in the Mirror” which dovetailed off my talk, “Loving the Girl in the Mirror: Reflections of Your True Self.” They took every suggestion I gave them and ran with it. They created a phenomenal PowerPoint presentation that showed similar outfits, each created from name brand stores along with their whopping price tags and then demonstrated how to create that look for less. But they didn’t just tell them – they showed them.

The girls teamed up with a local consignment store and then enlisted the help of their fellow SIFE members as models and created a fashion show that totally rocked the house! It was so amazing and these models of every shape and size really worked it! They showed the girls how cool it can be to be yourself and how to step out in confidence without the designer labels. It was just so powerful to watch girls helping girls and it was such a privilege to be a small part of making that happen.

Click here to see more pics of the fashion show and to see the photos of me presenting to the girls click here!

It’s moments like these that remind me why I do the work that I do. Amidst a world of twittering publicity hounds all vying for the media’s attention in the hopes of becoming the next “big thing” we can sometimes get caught up in all of it and lose our way and wonder how on earth we can begin to be heard and make a difference. And every now and then I get a note like the one below that helps me to know that my voice and my message of hope is being heard… and for that I am so grateful.

My daughter, was a participant in your Young Women’s Leadership Conference the other day in Pennsylvania.

I would like to thank you for inspiring my daughter! She has been talking non-stop about you and your message. She has been through a lot in the past few years… her father & I divorced, her father is not as involved in her life as she would like, I remarried to a wonderful man with three sons, and her Aunt, to whom she is close, was recently diagnosed with Stage IV Breast Cancer. My daughter is a trooper, but often times she internalizes things & then “blows up”. However, in the past couple of days, she is smiling, she’s positive, she is repeating what she heard at the conference & it is amazing!!

Thank you for being such an inspiration & for connecting with my daughter at such an impressionable time in her life!

Parents: Giving Advice to Tweens & Teens

March 5, 2009 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

finger wagging doesn't work
Finger wagging advice NEVER works!

The other day I received a request from a journalist who is writing an article for Good Housekeeping and she was looking for tips on how to give advice to tweens and teens. Being right up my alley, I immediately dashed off an email with 9 tips that absolutely flowed out of me and onto the page. I still haven’t heard back from the writer as to whether or not she’ll be quoting me in her article and the way it usually works is you find out just before the publication goes to print. I’m not holding my breath, but just happy to have been asked and figured I may as well share that information with all of you instead of waiting for the article to come out.

So here’s what I wrote to her:

My name is Kathleen Hassan and I am known as The Teen Confidence Coach. I speak at schools, youth conferences and mother/daughter events all over the country. I give lots of advice to teens and tweens as I receive emails daily from girls all over the world… and the best part of all is that they actually listen to me and reach out for help! I have an “Ask” button on my website and encourage girls to email me their burning questions. I answer them either directly via email, in my blog or in a video on YouTube. They really want to be guided and they are desperate for some answers and for some relief from their inner struggle of not being or feeling good enough – just the way they are.

Here are some tips/strategies that I use, and suggest to parents for open communication and for doling out advice:

Be honest and dare to be vulnerable. Share your own experiences as an example of what worked – and what didn’t.
Don’t think you have to know the answers – it’s more about helping them find their truth and providing them with an opportunity to learn how to trust themselves and look within for their own inner guidance.
WIIFM – tweens, teens and everyone for that matter wears a set of imaginary head phones that are tuned into station WIIFM: What’s In It For Me? Make sure to explain and demonstrate how your advice, ideas and suggestions will benefit them.
Avoid the word “should” such as “You should do this… or that”. Absolutely no one likes to be “should” on.
Really listen and affirm what they are going through. For example, if an 11 year old girl gets caught up in the drama of boys and dating and asks “What should I do? The boy I’m crushing on likes someone else!” The last thing you want to do is to pooh-pooh her and say something like “Oh honey, you’re only 11, there will be plenty of time for boys.” Instead, say something like “Wow, I can see that you really like this guy. Tell me what you like about him” or “I can see you’re really struggling with this whole dating thing, let’s talk about it.”
Hire a coach for your daughter. (I have a list of the Top 10 Reasons to Hire a Life Coach for Your Daughter on my website) Girls tend to listen to someone who isn’t their mother! I was recently coaching a twenty-something school teacher who was feeling exhausted and run down. I suggested she might want to think about taking vitamins to supplement her diet. When her mother found out she said “Sarah, I’ve been trying to get you to take vitamins for years and suddenly your coach suggests it, and now you’re taking vitamins?!”
Attend mother/daughter workshops together. A good facilitator asks thought provoking questions that invoke deep and meaningful conversations.
Help them get clear about what they really want while identifying any erroneous or limiting beliefs about the situation. For example, she might think that “everyone has a boyfriend” or “there’s something wrong with me because I don’t have a boyfriend.”
Help them see into the future and think through their decisions. In Alcoholics Anonymous, people in recovery are encouraged to “think through the drink” so they don’t make an emotional decision in the heat of the moment. Ask what their decision will cost them in the long run? The teen brain isn’t fully developed and as a result, they lack the ability to think in the moment. So it is vital that you help them to see in advance what may happen in various scenarios and show they how their decisions and choices could play out.

Please feel free to comment and add your tips and strategies for offering advice to your kids!

Posted in Character Development | Life Skills | Parents | Trust |
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6 things to do before your teen goes away for spring break

March 2, 2009 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

I just received this google news alert and thought it was important enough to re-post on my blog for your consideration.

SunSentinel.com
February 27, 2009

No matter where teens are traveling for spring break this year, Family Circle magazine has six things you must do before your teen goes away.

Sit them down and talk to them about the behaviors you expect from them. Reinforce the same things you taught them when they were younger: trust their instincts, don’t wander off with strangers, stress that there is safety in numbers.
Set up communication rules. Find out if your teen’s cell phone will work wherever they are traveling. If it won’t make sure they have money for a pay as you go phone that they can purchase when they arrive. Decide on a specific time every day for your child to call or text you to check in.
Make sure you have all the contact numbers for the hotel where they will be staying. If your child is traveling with a group of friends, make sure you have the numbers of the other parents.
Have an honest conversation with your teen about drinking and drugs, especially if their destination’s drug and alcohol rules differ from the rules in the United States.
Make sure that your teen knows they can call you whenever they need to. In addition to setting up daily check-in times, let your teen know that if they encounter an uncomfortable or dangerous situation, you will be there to talk and help. The more open the lines of communication are between you and your teen, the more likely it is that they will behave responsibly.
Register your teen’s trip with the U.S. Department of State. This free service allows you to record information about their upcoming trip abroad so that the Department of State can assist in case of emergency. Visit https://travelregistration.state.gov/ibrs/ui/.

Character Development

Life Skills

Trust

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Teen Girls: Getting the Love You Need

February 10, 2009 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

I can still remember the year my mother forgot to buy my Valentine’s cards for the class. I stayed up late to make my own out of pink and red construction paper and then attempted to decorate a Kleenex box with paper doilies. I walked into school with a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat knowing full well that my efforts at cutting and pasting would pale in comparison to everyone else’s store-bought heart-shaped cards with adorable sayings like “puppy love” and “hey cutie pie.” To this day I can remember those feelings of being less than and just wanting to be liked and noticed.

Valentine’s Day, a day in February that is supposed to represent love, for many represents the exact opposite. It’s actually been dubbed “Singles Awareness Day” by those who have been made to feel less than because they don’t have “that special someone” to give or receive a Valentine.

The U.S. Greeting Card Association estimates approximately one billion valentines are sent each year worldwide, making the day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year. That’s a lot of love.

So where is the love?

Many of today’s teens are struggling with the exact same emotions of wanting to be liked and noticed but if you don’t happen to be one of those lucky billion who actually receive one of those “Be Mine Valentine” messages this year, it can feel pretty crummy. But love is not an emotion to be reserved for one day out of the year, nor is it something to be rationed out only to certain people.

Want to be and feel a part of this billion dollar love fest? Here are a few strategies to be your own Valentine.

Become attractive! Start treating yourself the way you want that someone special to treat you. As Gandhi said, “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” Attracting love into your life starts by developing the attraction factor from the inside out. Self-confidence is sexy because when you look like you don’t need ‘em is when they come flocking to you!

Rid yourself of jealousy. Stop focusing on what you don’t have and start appreciating the gifts in your life. Jealousy is one of the lowest and most negative energies and actually attracts more scarcity and lack back to you. Gratitude, along with joy and love is the highest frequency and the most powerful energy on Earth and being in that state attracts more love back to you.

Learn to love and accept yourself – just the way you are. Knowing that you’re worthy and deserving of only the best is an important part of building your own self-esteem. We teach others how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves and unconditional love has to begin with you through self-love.

One of the most famous quotes about self-love is by Marianne Williamson from her book, A Return to Love…”Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world.”

This year pay less attention to the whole “Be Mine” frenzy and focus all your efforts to “Be YOU.” Who are you? You are one in a billion and there is no one quite like you – Valentine!

Character Development

Dating & Relationships

Teen Girls – How to Attract the Right Guy

July 17, 2008 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

Today’s video is about how to “attract” the right guy into your life. I want to thank Isabel who emailed me with her powerful question/challenge about boys.