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Teen Girls: Getting the Love You Need

February 10, 2009 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

I can still remember the year my mother forgot to buy my Valentine’s cards for the class. I stayed up late to make my own out of pink and red construction paper and then attempted to decorate a Kleenex box with paper doilies. I walked into school with a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat knowing full well that my efforts at cutting and pasting would pale in comparison to everyone else’s store-bought heart-shaped cards with adorable sayings like “puppy love” and “hey cutie pie.” To this day I can remember those feelings of being less than and just wanting to be liked and noticed.

Valentine’s Day, a day in February that is supposed to represent love, for many represents the exact opposite. It’s actually been dubbed “Singles Awareness Day” by those who have been made to feel less than because they don’t have “that special someone” to give or receive a Valentine.

The U.S. Greeting Card Association estimates approximately one billion valentines are sent each year worldwide, making the day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year. That’s a lot of love.

So where is the love?

Many of today’s teens are struggling with the exact same emotions of wanting to be liked and noticed but if you don’t happen to be one of those lucky billion who actually receive one of those “Be Mine Valentine” messages this year, it can feel pretty crummy. But love is not an emotion to be reserved for one day out of the year, nor is it something to be rationed out only to certain people.

Want to be and feel a part of this billion dollar love fest? Here are a few strategies to be your own Valentine.

Become attractive! Start treating yourself the way you want that someone special to treat you. As Gandhi said, “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” Attracting love into your life starts by developing the attraction factor from the inside out. Self-confidence is sexy because when you look like you don’t need ‘em is when they come flocking to you!

Rid yourself of jealousy. Stop focusing on what you don’t have and start appreciating the gifts in your life. Jealousy is one of the lowest and most negative energies and actually attracts more scarcity and lack back to you. Gratitude, along with joy and love is the highest frequency and the most powerful energy on Earth and being in that state attracts more love back to you.

Learn to love and accept yourself – just the way you are. Knowing that you’re worthy and deserving of only the best is an important part of building your own self-esteem. We teach others how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves and unconditional love has to begin with you through self-love.

One of the most famous quotes about self-love is by Marianne Williamson from her book, A Return to Love…”Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world.”

This year pay less attention to the whole “Be Mine” frenzy and focus all your efforts to “Be YOU.” Who are you? You are one in a billion and there is no one quite like you – Valentine!

Teen Girls – How to Attract the Right Guy

July 17, 2008 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

Today’s video is about how to “attract” the right guy into your life. I want to thank Isabel who emailed me with her powerful question/challenge about boys.

The Breakdown of a Breakup – Towards a New Breakthrough

November 7, 2007 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

Nothing can throw a teen off course quite like a breakup. All the energy that goes into this real-life drama can thwart academic progress and derail athletic performance as well. But pretending it didn’t happen isn’t the solution, nor is wallowing in the “if only’s.”

The Breakdown

Boy meets girl. Lust at first sight. Hormones raging. Lips locked in marathon make-out sessions. Hating to be away from each other and anxious for the next encounter. Non-stop texting. Moved to #1 on buddy list.

The Breakup

The newness fades. Flaws and defects begin to rear their ugly heads. You feel powerless to control the situation and yet that only strengthens your resolve to try to fix it. Playing the victim brings you some relief as your friends rally to validate everything you’re feeling. Fear sets in and your self-esteem plummets as you internalize all of this as somehow your fault and you vow to work harder to please. You’re scrambling now and using up every ounce of energy you have to set things right and get back to where you were.

Manipulation runs rampant until one brave soul musters the courage to finally say “this isn’t working.”

Boom. You crumble. Even if you saw it coming, nothing prepares you for those god-awful feelings that you’re left holding.

So now what?

The Breakthrough

Feel your feelings. Note, I didn’t say “wallow in your feelings.” It is so important to feel your feelings. Otherwise you’ll just keep pressing them down and one fine day when you least expect it, you’ll either explode in a fit of rage or implode in depression.

Give yourself time to grieve what you lost. Decide just how long you’ll give this your attention. For example, you might say “For the next hour I am going to cry, kick, scream and whine – and then I’m going to let it go.” If an hour doesn’t cut it, give yourself a couple of days. But the important part is to let those feelings go.

Get clear about what you want. Most teens waste tons of energy romanticizing what was. I worked with a girl who spent nine months of misery trying to get her boyfriend back. Together we made a list of what she liked about her ex, and then added to that list everything she wanted in a soul mate kind of relationship. Through the process, she discovered that she really didn’t like the way the ex treated her and that she deserved better! The minute she got clear about what she was looking for, she started to feel better and began to effortlessly attract guys who had the very qualities that were on her list.

Shift your focus. What you think about becomes your reality. Give your attention to the list that you created and get excited about the possibility of having someone treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Imagine someone loving you for who you are – just the way you are. Picture yourself feeling safe to speak your truth and being with someone who honors and respects your thoughts and opinions.

Be grateful for the experience. That relationship was brought into your life to provide you with enough contrast and emotional charge about what you didn’t want so that you’d have a much clearer perspective to help you figure out exactly what you do want. See that messy, clumsy and imperfect relationship as a blessing and a gift that raised your awareness and brought you to a new level of understanding about yourself.

Always remember, it is better to want what you do not have, than to have what you do not want. Life is too short and too precious to just accept and settle for whatever comes along. Stay focused on what you want. Appreciate the contrast for what it is. Get excited about the power of your thoughts to create your reality. We teach others how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves. Love yourself and demand the best and then open your arms and your heart to receive everything you deserve.

Posted in Dating & Relationships | Self-Esteem |
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Everybody’s Doing It – Why Not Middle Schoolers?

October 25, 2007 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

Birds do it, bees do it
Even educated fleas do it…

But Middle Schoolers? Say it isn’t so.

When songwriter Cole Porter penned his memorable lyrics in 1928 he was talking about “falling in love” not “making love.” Apparently peer pressure was a factor even back then as the song implies, everyone is “doing it” so why shouldn’t we do it too.

Fast forward eighty years and peer pressure, although still a factor, isn’t the only pressure on today’s teens and tweens. Thanks to the hormones in our food and milk supply, girls are developing at a much earlier age. Thanks to our image-obsessed and sexually permissive culture, girls are apparently “doing it” at a much earlier age also.

Middle Schools in Baltimore and Seattle are “doing it” and now Portland Maine is joining in. The New York Times reported that on October 18, 2007, the Portland Maine School Board approved, in a 10-2 vote, a proposal by the Portland Division of Public Health which would allow children as young as 11 to have access to the birth control pill and patch without parental notification.

“Obviously we want to prevent our babies from having babies. But these schools are missing the boat on what kind of programs they should be offering these kids. Sex is complicated enough – even for most adults, many who have spent years in therapy trying to make sense of their own sexual excursions of adolescence. Giving eleven year olds birth control is just any easy way out of a very complicated issue.” says Self-Esteem Expert and Teen Life Coach, Kathleen Hassan.

Hassan, who has been delivering programs to teens and tweens for the last decade on self-esteem and empowerment, says “schools need to be proactive – not reactive, and develop programs that foster self-esteem, self-worth and self-respect. We need to teach our kids how to connect to their inner-most power and help them to understand the sacredness of their bodies, minds and spirits. Anything less is just putting a bandage on a cancerous wound, and the ripple effect will be far worse than just kids having sex, as depression, addiction and suicide rates will no doubt escalate for these children.”

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Kathleen Hassan’s Parenting Tips for Building High Self-Esteem in Your Pre-Teen Daughter

Have “the talk” now. Don’t wait for your daughter to learn about sex from her peers or from the school mandated sex-ed program. Give her plenty of opportunity to ask questions and give her honest answers.
Help your daughter understand how sacred her body is. Everyone you allow into your private space becomes part of you energetically for the rest of your life. Break down the word intimacy; into me I allow you to see.
Sign her up for a teen yoga class so she can begin to understand that she is more than just her body but rather a divine combination of body, mind and spirit.
Ask your daughter to make a list of the qualities she would look for in a friend, boyfriend and yes, even in a soul mate so that she will never settle for just anyone who comes along.
Hire a Life Coach for your daughter to help her find her voice and power, unearth her innermost desires and dreams and make choices that will lead her in the direction of her goals.

Kathleen Hassan, The Queen of Teen Self-Esteem, is an author, professional speaker and teen life coach and travels the country presenting programs on self-esteem, stress management and empowerment. Her hard-earned wisdom and real-life lessons are based on her own journey from troubled teen to teen mentor to successful entrepreneur. She can be reached at 617-698-1976 or visit her online at http://www.KathleenHassan.com.