Teen Girl With the Weight of the World on Her Shoulders

 April 9, 2009 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

A Response to Jayleene

what can you do when the world’s weight is on your sholders? i feel like i might just break down completely…and then end up Back in Rehab..but instead of outpatient in will be Inpatient…my problem is something that you spoke about when you came to my school..thou it’s not somthing you talked alot about..i guess it’s hard for people to understand what i do..and i don’t feel like saying cause i get judged. or called crazy. so whatever. but i guess i just need help..i need to know what to do so i can help myself..to stop my hurting.

Hi Jayleene – thank you so much for reaching out to me. That is a HUGE accomplishment and it is like your soul is tugging on your sleeve trying to get your attention to wake up and discover your true power.

It doesn’t matter what you’re doing to yourself – drugs, sex, cutting, drinking… whatever. They are all ways that we try to numb our feelings and escape the effects of low self-esteem. The reason your feelings are so heavy and you feel like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders is because your strategy for trying to control things just isn’t working and you’re trying to change things externally instead of looking within to change the only thing that you can control – your thoughts.

What you think about becomes your reality and you attract back whatever you focus on the most. Learning to control your thoughts and harness the power of your mind can be challenging if you’ve always given in to lazy thoughts or bought into society’s standards about who you “should” be and you haven’t been able to truly know who you are.

The very first thing you need to do is to just breathe. Take a couple of deep, cleansing breaths and just imagine yourself breathing out all of the stress and pain that you’ve been carrying around for so long. Just that simple act can quiet down your mind and help you to feel less stressed and out of control.

From your email, I can see that you’re focused on feeling crummy and insecure and in pain. It will take some effort to shift your thoughts, but try making a list of things that you’re thankful for. It may sound dorky, but it can really help you learn how to train your mind to look for the good instead of the bad. It’s like sending your brain to the gym… you need to give it a good workout.

Then start saying positive things to yourself like:

I am enough

I am good enough

I am a child of God

I have a right to be here

I am loveable

I have a right to love and be loved

Who I am makes a difference

Even if you don’t believe them at first, your soul will recognize it as the truth. Your ego has been running the show and the ego runs on fear. In every moment we have the choice to see the world through the eyes of fear or love. The more you practice this kind of self-talk, the more you develop self-love. Over time it becomes a habit and eventually forms new beliefs within us. That is the way to build up your own self-esteem. Nobody can do it for you, but you have to believe that you are worthy and deserving of a happy life – and you are, simply because you are the beloved child of God.

I would love to coach you to help you shift your thoughts to what you want instead of what you don’t want. But you’d have to talk to your mom or dad about hiring me as your life coach. More and more girls are discovering their power and reaching out and asking for help. The sad thing is that most parents immediately think therapy… and although there are many benefits to therapy, therapy looks backwards and tries to figure out what’s wrong and coaching helps you look at everything as just contrast to help you get clear about what you want and what’s right and then helps you move towards that.

A great life is within your power. You are stronger than you can even believe. How do I know? I have been where you are. Maybe the circumstances are different, but the feelings are the same and I have turned my life around. I know firsthand that this is all possible.  Your soul already knows the truth… and we’re here to remember and return to the source of our true power.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please try some of the suggestions I gave you. Nothing changes unless something changes – and the only thing you have the power to change is YOU.

There is only so much I can do in an email and I really hope you let someone know how much you’re hurting.

GIANT HUGS,

Kathleen

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Posted in Character Development | Coaching | Q&A | Self-Esteem | Teen Girls | Trust |
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Parents: Giving Advice to Tweens & Teens

 March 5, 2009 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

finger wagging doesn't work
Finger wagging advice NEVER works!

The other day I received a request from a journalist who is writing an article for Good Housekeeping and she was looking for tips on how to give advice to tweens and teens. Being right up my alley, I immediately dashed off an email with 9 tips that absolutely flowed out of me and onto the page. I still haven’t heard back from the writer as to whether or not she’ll be quoting me in her article and the way it usually works is you find out just before the publication goes to print. I’m not holding my breath, but just happy to have been asked and figured I may as well share that information with all of you instead of waiting for the article to come out.

So here’s what I wrote to her:

My name is Kathleen Hassan and I am known as The Teen Confidence Coach. I speak at schools, youth conferences and mother/daughter events all over the country. I give lots of advice to teens and tweens as I receive emails daily from girls all over the world… and the best part of all is that they actually listen to me and reach out for help! I have an “Ask” button on my website and encourage girls to email me their burning questions. I answer them either directly via email, in my blog or in a video on YouTube. They really want to be guided and they are desperate for some answers and for some relief from their inner struggle of not being or feeling good enough – just the way they are. 

Here are some tips/strategies that I use, and suggest to parents for open communication and for doling out advice:

  • Be honest and dare to be vulnerable. Share your own experiences as an example of what worked – and what didn’t.
  • Don’t think you have to know the answers – it’s more about helping them find their truth and providing them with an opportunity to learn how to trust themselves and look within for their own inner guidance.
  • WIIFM – tweens, teens and everyone for that matter wears a set of imaginary head phones that are tuned into station WIIFM: What’s In It For Me? Make sure to explain and demonstrate how your advice, ideas and suggestions will benefit them.
  • Avoid the word “should” such as “You should do this… or that”. Absolutely no one likes to be “should” on.
  • Really listen and affirm what they are going through. For example, if an 11 year old girl gets caught up in the drama of boys and dating and asks “What should I do? The boy I’m crushing on likes someone else!” The last thing you want to do is to pooh-pooh her and say something like “Oh honey, you’re only 11, there will be plenty of time for boys.” Instead, say something like “Wow, I can see that you really like this guy. Tell me what you like about him” or “I can see you’re really struggling with this whole dating thing, let’s talk about it.”
  • Hire a coach for your daughter. (I have a list of the Top 10 Reasons to Hire a Life Coach for Your Daughter on my website) Girls tend to listen to someone who isn’t their mother! I was recently coaching a twenty-something school teacher who was feeling exhausted and run down. I suggested she might want to think about taking vitamins to supplement her diet. When her mother found out she said “Sarah, I’ve been trying to get you to take vitamins for years and suddenly your coach suggests it, and now you’re taking vitamins?!”
  • Attend mother/daughter workshops together. A good facilitator asks thought provoking questions that invoke deep and meaningful conversations.
  • Help them get clear about what they really want while identifying any erroneous or limiting beliefs about the situation. For example, she might think that “everyone has a boyfriend” or “there’s something wrong with me because I don’t have a boyfriend.” 
  • Help them see into the future and think through their decisions. In Alcoholics Anonymous, people in recovery are encouraged to “think through the drink” so they don’t make an emotional decision in the heat of the moment. Ask what their decision will cost them in the long run? The teen brain isn’t fully developed and as a result, they lack the ability to think in the moment. So it is vital that you help them to see in advance what may happen in various scenarios and show they how their decisions and choices could play out.

Please feel free to comment and add your tips and strategies for offering advice to your kids!

 

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6 things to do before your teen goes away for spring break

 March 2, 2009 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

I just received this google news alert and thought it was important enough to re-post on my blog for your consideration.

SunSentinel.com
  February 27, 2009

No matter where teens are traveling for spring break this year, Family Circle magazine has six things you must do before your teen goes away.

  1. Sit them down and talk to them about the behaviors you expect from them. Reinforce the same things you taught them when they were younger: trust their instincts, don’t wander off with strangers, stress that there is safety in numbers.
  2. Set up communication rules. Find out if your teen’s cell phone will work wherever they are traveling. If it won’t make sure they have money for a pay as you go phone that they can purchase when they arrive. Decide on a specific time every day for your child to call or text you to check in.
  3. Make sure you have all the contact numbers for the hotel where they will be staying. If your child is traveling with a group of friends, make sure you have the numbers of the other parents.
  4. Have an honest conversation with your teen about drinking and drugs, especially if their destination’s drug and alcohol rules differ from the rules in the United States.
  5. Make sure that your teen knows they can call you whenever they need to. In addition to setting up daily check-in times, let your teen know that if they encounter an uncomfortable or dangerous situation, you will be there to talk and help. The more open the lines of communication are between you and your teen, the more likely it is that they will behave responsibly.
  6. Register your teen’s trip with the U.S. Department of State. This free service allows you to record information about their upcoming trip abroad so that the Department of State can assist in case of emergency. Visit https://travelregistration.state.gov/ibrs/ui/.
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    Teen Girls: Getting the Love You Need

     February 10, 2009 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

    I can still remember the year my mother forgot to buy my Valentine’s cards for the class. I stayed up late to make my own out of pink and red construction paper and then attempted to decorate a Kleenex box with paper doilies. I walked into school with a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat knowing full well that my efforts at cutting and pasting would pale in comparison to everyone else’s store-bought heart-shaped cards with adorable sayings like “puppy love” and “hey cutie pie.” To this day I can remember those feelings of being less than and just wanting to be liked and noticed.

    Valentine’s Day, a day in February that is supposed to represent love, for many represents the exact opposite. It’s actually been dubbed “Singles Awareness Day” by those who have been made to feel less than because they don’t have “that special someone” to give or receive a Valentine.

    The U.S. Greeting Card Association estimates approximately one billion valentines are sent each year worldwide, making the day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year. That’s a lot of love.

    So where is the love?

    Many of today’s teens are struggling with the exact same emotions of wanting to be liked and noticed but if you don’t happen to be one of those lucky billion who actually receive one of those “Be Mine Valentine” messages this year, it can feel pretty crummy. But love is not an emotion to be reserved for one day out of the year, nor is it something to be rationed out only to certain people.

    Want to be and feel a part of this billion dollar love fest? Here are a few strategies to be your own Valentine.

    Become attractive! Start treating yourself the way you want that someone special to treat you. As Gandhi said, “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” Attracting love into your life starts by developing the attraction factor from the inside out. Self-confidence is sexy because when you look like you don’t need ‘em is when they come flocking to you!

    Rid yourself of jealousy. Stop focusing on what you don’t have and start appreciating the gifts in your life. Jealousy is one of the lowest and most negative energies and actually attracts more scarcity and lack back to you. Gratitude, along with joy and love is the highest frequency and the most powerful energy on Earth and being in that state attracts more love back to you.

    Learn to love and accept yourself – just the way you are. Knowing that you’re worthy and deserving of only the best is an important part of building your own self-esteem. We teach others how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves and unconditional love has to begin with you through self-love.

    One of the most famous quotes about self-love is by Marianne Williamson from her book, A Return to Love…”Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world.”

    This year pay less attention to the whole “Be Mine” frenzy and focus all your efforts to “Be YOU.” Who are you? You are one in a billion and there is no one quite like you – Valentine!

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    Posted in Character Development | Dating & Relationships | Life Skills | Self-Confidence | Teen Girls |
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    We Are One ~ Yes We Can!

     January 20, 2009 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

    I am in awe of the entire inauguration. My hope is that parents use this as an opportunity to open up meaningful communication with their kids and will focus on the underlying message of love and faith that was so clearly demonstrated throughout each speech, song and prayer.

    My greatest concern and greatest hope for our nation is in the hands of the young women of our country. It astounds me that during the inauguration I still received emails from teen girls who are struggling with inner conflict. Until we help these young women to heal, there is no possible way for them to espouse what is to me the greatest quote of today’s proceedings, “love your neighbor as you love yourself.”

    I watched part of it through CNN and Facebook and am astounded by this new technology which allowed me to be part of something bigger than just me at my computer. But then I switched to the TV and sat there weeping and applauding and a few times jumped up and gave a standing ovation.

    God bless America – Indeed!! What an amazing moment in history. I’m so thankful to be a part of it all.

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    Posted in Character Development | Parents | Self-Esteem | Spirituality | Teen Girls |
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