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Girls and Guidance

February 8, 2010 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

A week doesn’t go by without receiving an email (or several) from girls desperately looking for guidance. The details of their stories may differ, but the essence of each request is exactly the same: “Please help!” Help me figure out if I should tell this guy how I feel… Help me learn how to be more confident around other people… Help me figure out what my next step should be… Help me get along better with my mom.

There was a time when I would personally answer each request and offer suggestions about how they might move through their challenge. This could easily have turned into a full time job if I let it, so I decided to reach more girls who might be going through the very same challenges by posting my responses on my blog or by creating videos on YouTube. Not only would I be helping more girls, but I was also setting gentle boundaries for myself so that I didn’t feel so obligated to personally respond to every single cry for help.

As much as I love hearing from these girls, what I love even more is to empower and teach them how to turn inward and trust their own inner guidance for their next right step or direction so they won’t have to keep looking outside of themselves for their answers. It reminds me of the Chinese proverb, “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.”

Call it intuition, divine guidance, an inner voice or simply a quiet knowing, each of us has the ability to access a source of wisdom that will lead us to the next right step. Learning how to access it and then trust it is something that requires both practice and patience.

Here are some steps you can take to begin to make that connection and tap into your own inner guidance.

Develop a daily practice of sitting still and quieting your mind.

Carve out five to ten minutes each day to just be. Make this time sacred by lighting a candle, listening to soft music and focusing on your breathing. You may not notice any immediate answers or see any dramatic changes at first. After you’ve been practicing and developing this habit for awhile, it will begin to have a cumulative effect and you will start to notice a clarity of mind and your answers will come to you as a hunch or in a flash of inspiration. An additional step to making this practice stick is to actually have an uncluttered sacred space to practice your daily ritual.

Get in the habit of writing in a diary or journal either every morning or evening.

In Julia Cameron’s book “The Artist’s Way,” she recommends writing morning pages to get the creative juices flowing. She asks you to commit to writing 3 pages each day. In the beginning you may just be writing things like “how the heck am I going to fill up three whole pages?”, but eventually the words will begin to flow. Once you get the hang of it, you can write out a question and then like magic, guidance will spill out onto the page.

Ask for divine guidance.

Develop a relationship with your own concept of a higher power and then have a conversation and ask for help. Many christians live their lives and receive their next right step by asking WWJD? or What Would Jesus Do? If you were brought up in a different faith you can simply ask the question, “What would love do?” To me that means the very same thing because I believe that God is love and when you align your actions with love, then you can never go wrong and your answer will come from the ultimate authority and source of all truth.

Here are a few important reminders as well as the benefits to receiving guidance:

Don’t try to solve big problems all at once.

All you need to do is look for the next right step and then take action on that guidance. It’s like driving in the dark with only your headlights to light your way. You can’t see the final destination, and yet you get there by seeing only the next 200 feet in front of you.

Pay attention to the signals your body is sending you.

We each have our own built-in GPS system that lets us know when we’re off course. If something doesn’t feel right to you, then it probably isn’t the right choice for you.

You have to stay alert when you’re seeking guidance.

It will show up in all sorts of ways and you could miss it if you’re not noticing the signs along the way. One of the benefits of practicing the suggestions mentioned above is that you develop what is known as mindfulness as you become fully engaged and take an active role in the creation of a fabulous life instead of letting life happen to you.

Adolescence is about learning to take responsibility (response ability). In other words, developing the ability to respond to whatever happens and to deal with it by making your own decisions. Probably the biggest payoff to developing your own internal guidance system is that along the way, you start to strengthen your own inner trust muscles and the result is self-confidence. An added bonus to that is when you start to trust yourself then others begin to trust you too. How cool would it be if instead of complaining that your parents don’t trust you to make good decisions, you could effortlessly gain their trust by practicing these few simple steps.

Remember, there’s nothing wrong with asking for advice. But never take that advice without first running it through your own internal guidance system to make sure it’s the next right step for you.

There are lots of free downloads available on my site to help you connect to your own guidance, as well as some cd’s and mp3’s you can purchase that will also help you learn how to harness the power of your mind to create a life you love!

NOTE: In my next blog post, I’ll be delving deeper into the topic of divine guidance and angelic assistance. One girl recently asked me how she could connect to her “angles and sprite guides.” Spelling, structure and grammar aside, I was thrilled that she wanted to learn more about her “angels and spirit guides” in an effort to connect to her own inner wisdom and truth.

When the Bully is You!

January 29, 2010 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

And by you, I mean me.

I’ve been procrastinating about writing this article for about a month now because it’s rather humbling to discover that after lecturing about self-esteem and empowerment to teen girls for over a decade that the bully was actually me.

But after reading an article in the Boston Globe the other day about Phoebe Prince, a fifteen year old girl who committed suicide after being bullied at school by the so-called “mean girls,” I knew that the time had come to tell this story. I hope to shed a different light on the topic of girls and bullying in order to better understand both perspectives and to help heal both the bullies and the bullied.

I’ve never been one to hop on the anti-bullying crusade because I have learned that whatever we push against, we actually bring more of the same back into our experience. In other words, what we resist persists. Mother Teresa understood this universal law of cause and effect and was well known for never attending anti-war protests and would only attend peace rallies. Our thoughts become our experiences so becoming outraged and pushing back against the mean girls is a losing battle and one that I choose not to participate in.

Every girl I know has been bullied in some way to various degrees. And if we are being totally honest, we have all probably bullied someone else too and like my own recent revelation, perhaps you were never really aware of it.

This past fall I received a friend request on Facebook from a girl I went to junior and senior high school with. When I saw her name I actually cringed as she and I did not get along nor did we hang out in the same circles. To put it bluntly, I couldn’t stand her. Susan was such a goody two shoes, always trying too hard. She was the girl who would raise her hand and remind the teacher about a quiz we were supposed to have that day.

I didn’t friend her immediately, but mentioned it to my friend Elaine who also went to school with us. When I said the other girl’s name, Elaine said with such compassion, “Oh, as I recall, people were not very kind to her in high school.” As I drove home from Elaine’s that day I thought to myself, Hell, I probably wasn’t that kind to her… that girl drove me nuts! My very next thought was that I owed her an amends because I am not the same person I was in high school and looking back I could see that Susan was just so desperate to be good enough and to fit in - and I knew that feeling well.

When I friended her, I included a note and apologized for the way I treated her in high school. Here’s what I wrote:

I remember you well Susan and I remember never being very kind to you. I’m really sorry. For most of my life I suffered from low self-esteem and I took every opportunity to tear others down in order to try and artificially build myself back up. Although it’s no excuse, my dad died when I was ten and my mother was an
angry, abusive, lonely and sick widow with five kids. She died when I was 16 and left me with a gaping hole inside of me and desperate to fill it up - so I chose anger, drugs and alcohol.

When Susan responded she told me about her own challenges that she faced as she maneuvered her way through school:

Although no one ever knew it, I was being abused by my father all through school. I’ve worked incredibly hard to heal through the scars left and to realize who I am meant to be, but I also happen to feel like that is a life long mission, and somewhere in us, no matter how old we are, is this little girl who can easily sabotage us if we give her a voice.

Then she added:

I was estranged from my parents for 13 years and am still estranged from my Dad. My mom and dad divorced 3 years ago and my mom came back into our lives. I forced her into some counseling with me to help her heal a bit. During one of those sessions, my counselor asked her if she had ever believed me when I told her what my dad was doing. She responded that that was why she sent me to counseling as a teenager. When prompted a bit more, she said I had come home from school telling her of being bullied by kids at school and that she had called one of the mothers to talk about it. The mother told her I must be lying so she decided to get me some counseling. That was your Mom, BTW. So in this very random and bizarre way, there was good that came out of it.

It just goes to show you that you never know what kind of burdens someone else is carrying. I teach girls that all the time - that it takes nothing to be kind, and your words can either build someone up or tear them down.

This story also paints a revealing portrait of the insecurities of a bully. For the most part, bullies see in their victims something about themselves that they secretly hate or are unwilling to look at and accept. As with me and Susan, her desperate attempt to be good enough was like a mirror being held up to me and I just couldn’t look at it - so instead I lashed out from a place of defensive fear. We were actually more alike than we were different. We were both desperately looking for love, we both felt unworthy of that love, we both felt abandonment and loss and we attracted each other like magnets.

Since the story broke about the suicide of Phoebe Prince, there have been hundreds of blog posts, articles, legislative joint panels targeting bully prevention and in South Hadley, MA, letters from parents and residents prompted the creation of an antibullying task force at the high school. Every outcry is fueled by anger, outrage, pain and fear.

But how is any of this truly helping the situation if in fact that what we resist persists? Pushing against bullying is only creating more of the same. Our thoughts create what we see - wanted or not. What we see creates our experience and if we just keep focusing on what is and saying things like “We must put things in place to stop this bullying” we are still focused on the experience and therefore that is still what we are thinking about and as a result we will continue to see more of the same.

So what can we do?

We must shift our thoughts away from what we don’t want and hold a vision of every girl finding her true power and learning how to tap into the source of her higher power for her guidance. What we don’t need is more anti anything. What we do need and what is most lacking in our culture is a return to spiritual values and a return to love. To me, God is love and yet God gave us the freedom of choice. So when we are consciously choosing love, we are allowing the grace of God to flow into the situation. Grace, simply put is the unmerited and unconditional love and strength of God that can and will heal any situation.

We must let go of playing the blame game. Whenever we are pointing a finger out there, there are always three more pointing right back at us. Years ago, I read a book called “Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood.” The author, Wayne Mueller told about the time he was asked to head a task force in California following the Rodney King beatings and trial and the ongoing riots in LA. His only stipulation for heading up this coalition was that everyone involved must commit to letting go of blame. The parents were blaming the schools, the educators were blaming the legislators, the cops were blaming the kids and the kids were blaming all of the above. No healing can happen as long as we hold onto the blame. We must take responsibility for the fact that we are sad, hurt or afraid and then learn to shift those thoughts from the contrast back to what it is we want. Otherwise we are simply participants in the no-win vicious cycle.

If you are being bullied - you must take responsibility for letting go of the victim mindset by understanding where your true power comes from. As difficult as this may sound, you must be willing to forgive and yes, even love the bully. Hurt people hurt people. See the bully with a giant bandaid on their forehead and know that they are trying to get their power by making you feel less than. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” When you let go and surrender your thoughts of being victimized, it’s like putting down the rope in a tug of war and the bully is simply holding a limp rope with no resistance and no power surge left to be had.

If you are the bully - get in touch with your real, underlying feelings for why you do what you do. Everything we do is either an act of love or a call for love. Bullying others in a strange way is simply a call for love. That power rush that you feel by making others feel less than is fleeting and it will never be enough nor will it sustain you and guide you towards becoming the magnificent person you were born to be. That kind of power can only be found by connecting to your own higher power - the source of all love, joy, well-being and prosperity. Make amends and say you’re sorry and then most importantly forgive yourself. You will be amazed at the new sense of freedom and power you feel as you let the grace of God flow into your heart.

If you are the parent of a bully or the bullied - the first thing you must do is heal your own mind and conditioned thoughts so that your reactions are not being filtered through the lens of blame, guilt, shame and buried wounds from your own past. Once we do that we can let go of the need to defend the actions of our children which comes from a place of fear and insecurity about how it reflects back to us and our parenting skills. We can then step back objectively and be fully present and available to our kids who, whether they are the bully or the bullied, are both crying out for unconditional love.

I wish I had had the opportunity to coach Phoebe and teach her to find her own inner power and strength. But perhaps Phoebe played a bigger role than any of us can even imagine and that she gave her life to bring a new awareness into the world. That is the thought I choose to embrace and to remember that the only thing I have power over is my own thoughts. Today I choose thoughts of love and forgiveness and that makes one less bully in the world today.

note: Susan has given me permission to use her name and share our story. We have met several times now for tea and healing and she is very open with her story as well as her love and forgiveness.

When Bad is So Good

December 1, 2009 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

What do rockers Keri Hilson, Gwen Stefani and Katy Perry have in common? Besides the obvious of being extremely talented, they have all landed on the celebrity client wish list of those “baddest” girls that up-and-coming designer, Samantha Ferguson would love to see wearing her Donnaccia clothing line.

Can’t you just see Gwen Stefani or Keri Hilson rocking this skirt?

Imagine Katy Perry on the red carpet wearing this beautiful dress?

October 30, 2009 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

You don’t have to look very far to get a glimpse of what’s wrong with girls today. Pick up any magazine, peruse your local bookstore, google “teen girls” or turn on the television and view the vast array of in-your-face perspectives of the dark side of growing up girl in today’s image-obsessed culture. Shows, magazines and even the very self-help experts themselves, portrayed as counter-culture saviors to assist today’s young women maneuver their way through the pitfalls of adolescence, all focus more on the problem and what’s wrong vs. the solution and what’s right with girls today.

All of this can be very overwhelming and there are days that I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and asking “What’s the use?”

Last week, like an answered prayer, I got the shift in perspective I had been asking for and I was filled up with hope watching two young women demonstrating everything that’s right with girls today. I was invited for the second year in a row to speak to 1500 7th grade girls at the Young Women’s Leadership Conference in York, PA. I was the opening keynote speaker, presented a workshop on body image and then closed the conference with a message of hope and a take action challenge for the girls to find their power within and to dare to step up and make a difference in this world.

The event was held at York College and this year, students from SIFE (Students In Free Enterprise) were to present a 15 minute program to the girls during the conference as part of a community outreach project. The conference planner had told me that in years past, these presentations hadn’t gone over very well and the girls didn’t pay attention. So I offered to coach the girls who were in charge of the project to help them create a presentation that would engage, inspire and challenge their audience. Trust me, 7th grade girls can eat you alive if you don’t gear a program that answers the questions What’s in it for me? and Why should I listen to you?

It was such a privilege to work with Nicole Smolenski and Shablis Glover, the SIFE project directors. They were so open and willing to be coached because they really wanted to succeed and more importantly to make an impact on younger women. They remember what it was like to be in 7th grade and they know how hard it can be desperately trying to fit in while secretly hoping to stand out.

Shablis Glover, Kathleen, Nicole Smolenski

Nicole and Shablis entitled their program “Dressing the Girl in the Mirror” which dovetailed off my talk, “Loving the Girl in the Mirror: Reflections of Your True Self.” They took every suggestion I gave them and ran with it. They created a phenomenal PowerPoint presentation that showed similar outfits, each created from name brand stores along with their whopping price tags and then demonstrated how to create that look for less. But they didn’t just tell them – they showed them.

The girls teamed up with a local consignment store and then enlisted the help of their fellow SIFE members as models and created a fashion show that totally rocked the house! It was so amazing and these models of every shape and size really worked it! They showed the girls how cool it can be to be yourself and how to step out in confidence without the designer labels. It was just so powerful to watch girls helping girls and it was such a privilege to be a small part of making that happen.

Click here to see more pics of the fashion show and to see the photos of me presenting to the girls click here!

It’s moments like these that remind me why I do the work that I do. Amidst a world of twittering publicity hounds all vying for the media’s attention in the hopes of becoming the next “big thing” we can sometimes get caught up in all of it and lose our way and wonder how on earth we can begin to be heard and make a difference. And every now and then I get a note like the one below that helps me to know that my voice and my message of hope is being heard… and for that I am so grateful.

My daughter, was a participant in your Young Women’s Leadership Conference the other day in Pennsylvania.

I would like to thank you for inspiring my daughter! She has been talking non-stop about you and your message. She has been through a lot in the past few years… her father & I divorced, her father is not as involved in her life as she would like, I remarried to a wonderful man with three sons, and her Aunt, to whom she is close, was recently diagnosed with Stage IV Breast Cancer. My daughter is a trooper, but often times she internalizes things & then “blows up”. However, in the past couple of days, she is smiling, she’s positive, she is repeating what she heard at the conference & it is amazing!!

Thank you for being such an inspiration & for connecting with my daughter at such an impressionable time in her life!

Teen Halloween Alert: Scary Trick

October 14, 2009 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

Contemplating what to dress up as for Halloween? How about a lollipop?

A recent ad for Ralph Lauren has sparked a huge controversy all over the internet. The image displays the already thin model, Philippa Hamilton wearing the latest of Ralph’s fall designer duds, but the photo has been digitally altered to the point where her waist is actually smaller than her own head! And yes, she actually looks like a human lollipop!

Mothers scrambling to find the latest L’il Lollipop costume for their daughters!

“NO! you say, “Not Ralph too?” Yup – even Ralph. But wait, it gets worse, Ralph actually sicked his lawyers on the sites that first commented on this travesty. The blog Boing Boing, who was the first to bring this to light received copyright infringement violation notifications – but would not back down. Boing Boing editor, Cory Docktorow wrote “So, to Ralph Lauren, GreenbergTraurig, and PRL Holdings, Inc: sue and be damned. Copyright law doesn’t give you the right to threaten your critics for pointing out the problems with your offerings. You should know better.” And then went even further saying they would continue to push back and inform the public about this to ensure that they got a good look at Ralph’s practices and promised to feed his models soup and sandwiches to fatten them up!

And it worked! Ralph conceded and finally fessed up and issued this statement:

“For over 42 years we have built a brand based on quality and integrity. After further investigation, we have learned that we are responsible for the poor imaging and retouching that resulted in a very distorted image of a woman’s body. We have addressed the problem and going forward will take every precaution to ensure that the caliber of our artwork represents our brand appropriately.”

So girls, as you make this oh-so-important decision about what to be for Halloween, spend some time contemplating who you want to be in life. Decide now to be a leader, to be brave and let your voice be heard. Let the media and the world know that you refuse to buy into society’s standards and illusions about beauty.

Here are 6 simple things you can do to change this travesty and take charge for yourself and for women all over the world:

Raise your awareness about the media’s manipulation by visiting sites like About Face that aims to combat negative and distorted images of women.
Question today’s standards of beauty and decide for yourself your own definition of beauty – to me Confidence is Beautiful!
Raise your voice and let companies know that it’s not cool to distort women’s bodies and to warp young women’s minds into thinking that fake is real – because it’s not.
Gather strength in numbers and use the power of a group to boycott companies and magazines that distort the truth by using this topic for a school project or community outreach program.
Love and appreciate your body – exactly the way it is. Make a list of all the things you appreciate about your body instead of focusing on all of your faults.
Be compassionate for women of all shapes and sizes. You may never know what inner battle is going on inside someone else. You could be the one who builds her up or tears her down. Now that is real power!

The timing for this media brouhaha was perfect as I am preparing a Body Image program for 1500 7th grade girls at the Young Women’s Leadership Conference in York PA. It’s hard to think about world peace and becoming a leader when all you can think about is how much you hate your thighs. It’s time to change all that and to teach girls that real beauty comes from within.

Stop buying into and accepting this Trick and then open your arms to the Treat that you will experience by daring to become Your Very Best YOU!

Posted in Body Image | Self-Confidence | Self-Esteem | Teen Girls |
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The Quest for the Perfect Breasts

October 7, 2009 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

It’s October and time again for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I am all for finding a cure for breast cancer and any kind of cancer for that matter, but what I am not all for is focusing on the disease itself. The Law of Attraction states that whatever you focus your attention upon is returned to you multiplied. So if that is true, why on Earth would we want to set aside a whole month placing all of our focus on the disease of breast cancer? (But no, if you focus on that picture above, you will not grow bigger boobs – that’s not how the Law of Attraction works!!)

So I’m proposing “Love Your Boobs Month!” As a matter of fact, another teen empowerment specialist, Jess Weiner just wrote a fabulous article this month in Seventeen Magazine about Making Peace with Your Boobs! (Great minds think alike apparently!!)

I’m a 53 year old woman with the chest of a pre-pubescent 12-year-old. My cup size is 34 nearly A and I have to shop in the girls department for beginner bras! It has taken me a lifetime to learn how to love and accept my breasts exactly the way they are. I even did a stand-up comedy routine at a comedy club about my quest for the perfect breasts. I made fun of all the names of bras like The 18 Hour Bra for example – who the hell wears a bra for eighteen freaking hours at a time? Another was a bra called Sweet Nothings and I lamented, they may be nothing to you, but I fed two babies with these sweet nothings!

When I was 15 years old, my mother was taking me and my siblings out for dinner. I came downstairs all dressed up and ready to go and my mother took one look at me and said “Can’t you stuff? I don’t want to be seen with a flat-chested daughter!” My own mother didn’t even love and accept me just the way I was, so how was I supposed to love myself?

I’ve been teased mercilessly all my life for my flat chest. In Junior High School a boy called me a Carpenter’s Dream, which translated meant – flat as a board and easy to screw! One might wonder why I didn’t just say “screw it” and get a boob job. Well first of all, I never had a spare ten grand lying around! But seriously I just never, ever wanted to go to such extremes to fit in and be just like everyone else. I knew that my life lesson was all about self-love and acceptance and two pounds of rubber and silicone wouldn’t change the inside of me – the part that never felt good enough.

On the bright side, I was an aerobics instructor for ten years prior to my current career as a Confidence Coach and Inspirational Speaker and Author, and being flat-chested certainly had its advantages back in the day of “feel the burn” and “pump it up.” Whenever I’d turn up the music and increase the intensity, all the big-boobed women in class would moan and grab hold of their racks for dear life – mine never moved the entire time!

Some day, when I get a spare minute or so, I want to write and star in a One Woman Play called Boobs, Jugs, Hooters & Tits and donate all of the proceeds to Healthy Breast Research. Imagine if everyone took all the money they’ve spent on boob jobs and put it towards programs that foster inner beauty and self-esteem? The thought of it makes me well all up and get all misty eyed. Fortunately for me, I always have some tissues on hand – looks like Mother always did know best!!

Yes ladies, it’s definitely time to make peace with da girlz!!

Teen Girls: Making the List

September 29, 2009 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

Last week at New Jersey’s top-ranked Milburn High School, senior “it” girls circulated their annual “Slut List” of incoming freshman girls. A dozen or more names are written on a piece of notebook paper along with vulgar descriptions and are copied and circulated around the school.

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One might assume that this is just another awful example of girl bullying, but in this case, you’d be wrong. According to William Miron, the principal of Milburn High, this has been going on for a decade and said “We’ve had girls obsessed that their names are on it, and girls who were upset that they didn’t make the list.”

That’s right, some girls actually are disappointed if they don’t make the list! Is this really what girl power is all about? Seriously?

As a Confidence Coach, I help girls learn how to look within, find their truth and autentic power and dare to speak that truth. But has the message of Rachel Simmons’ book “The Curse of the Good Girl” been misconstrued and sent girls careening in the opposite direction towards becoming badder than bad?

I’ll never forget the day in high school when my “so-called” best friend came up to me and in the name of “I thought you’d want to know” informed me that there was a rumor going around school that I was a slut. I felt like I had just been sucker punched. I remember actually laughing and pretending that it didn’t bother me one bit, but inside I was humiliated and mortified.

It was September of my sophomore year of high school and just one month before, my mother died. I was sixteen, alone, scared and was literally looking for love in all the wrong places. My dad died when I was ten so I had no parental guidance whatsoever and had to maneuver my way through this world alone. I was desperate for love and tried to get it in any way I could – and it backfired miserably.

Many years of self-esteem building and therapy sessions later, I am passionately determined to help teen girls find their authentic voice and power and learn how to break free of the societal brainwashing that masquerades as “girl power.”

We live in a culture where becoming well known supercedes just about every other value we hold dear. And it’s not just with our youth, adults buy into this just as much and the acclaim and fame seems to go to those with the biggest friend list on facebook and followers on twitter. Is it any wonder that girls would get a power rush at the mention of their name making it onto any list?

Every single one of us is looking for love in all the wrong places. The fulfillment, the self-worth, the self-respect can only be found within from the source of all love and power. Jesus said “the kingdom of heaven is within you” and Buddha said “look within, thou art the Buddha.”

Stop for a moment and just take a breath. Notice the air as it moves in and out of your body. Quiet your mind and be still. Turn down the volume of the world’s chatter where everyone is clamoring for their spot and just be. Turn your attention inward and listen for that soft and gentle guidance that will lead you towards your best and highest good – better than you could ever imagine.

We really can create anything our heart desires. So why not put all of your energy on creating what you really want instead of wasting another moment of your life hoping to be on some stupid list. The only list I hope to be on is God’s list of those who woke up and remembered the truth about my power of choice to co-create a life beyond my wildest dreams when I connect to the source of all love within.

Posted in Coaching | Self-Confidence | Self-Esteem | Teen Girls |
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Remembering 9-11: Let the Healing Begin

September 11, 2009 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

Much like, “where were you when JFK was shot?”, most of us remember exactly where we were and what we were doing on September 11, 2001.

I remember getting a call from my sister. She was crying hysterically and said “Turn on the TV, we are under attack!” We sat together on the phone watching in shock and saw in real time the second plane fly into the second tower.

I felt like the plane flew directly into me. I sat there shell shocked and then remembered that it was the first day of work for my new assistant. When she arrived I told her that I doubted we’d get any work done at all. So together we sat down and prayed.

In a flash of divine inspiration I got an idea to offer a workshop to help others deal with the ramifications and post-terror emotions of this terrible tragedy. My assistant and I went to work immediately to make it happen and we began developing a workshop called “Let the Healing Begin.”

The workshop was born as a result of feeling totally helpless and then turning to prayer to ask how I could serve. I just knew I had to do something and felt compelled to step up and help others through their grief. Rescue workers flocked to ground zero and gave so much of themselves to help those immediately involved, but I knew that the ripple effect of this tragedy reached right into my own backyard and community. People needed a place to go to talk about and validate their own sense of loss and pain.

However the seminar’s ultimate goal was to help people to shift their focus from fear to love, to learn the importance of resiliency and to look for the good in the situation such as increased patriotism, unity and compassionate humanity.

I wrote this poem and made up bookmarks to hand out at the event. The sentiment is equally meaningful and necessary today as it was eight years ago.

Let the Healing Begin

by, Kathleen Hassan

All we have is this moment
and all we have is each other.

If we don’t get it now,
then we’ll never understand;
we are all God’s children –
sister and brother.

When knocked to our knees,
we must stay there and pray.

Our faith, hope and love
will show others the way.

Be gentle with yourself and
nurture peace in your soul.

Give your troubles to God
and let Him take control.

Let the healing begin
and let it begin with you.

We’re not alone on this path –
together we’ll see it through.

Keep shining your light
for all the world to see.

Dare to be brilliant and
you light the way for me.

Posted in Spirituality |
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Back to School Self-Esteem Check Up

August 31, 2009 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

Back to School

New clothes… check.

School supplies… check.

New shoes… check.

It’s that time again! Some kids are nervous, others are excited and just about every parent is ecstatic because it feels so good to get back to a schedule, have some alone time and above all know where your kids are, that they are safe and hopefully they are learning.

Lots of preparation goes into gearing up for a new school year. Athletes are required to have a physical check up before playing any sports. But what about a self-esteem check up? How we feel about ourselves as we enter into any new situation will have a dramatic effect on whether we succeed or fail.

So how does one go about this type of self-esteem check up? First we have to know what self-esteem is all about. There are two components that form a person’s self-esteem: competence and worthiness.

Competence is developed by getting good at something through disciplined effort and practice. So if you’ve successfully made it through your previous school year, chances are you are on your way to developing the competence you’ll need to make it through this new school year. We develop competence by daring to take risks and trying new things which builds and strengthens our confidence muscles and as a result, we keep growing and getting better.

The worthiness aspect of self-esteem is a little more difficult to explain and quantify because it is more of a deep sense of belief or knowing.

There are so many factors that can contribute to a person’s sense of self-worth:

Parental influence – a warm, loving and nurturing environment helps to foster an individual’s sense of self-worth.
Culture & Economic Status – buying into cultural beliefs and determining your value and self-worth according to your bank account balance and your “place” in society.
Faith – a belief in a Higher Power; to be created in the image and likeness of the creator fosters a sense trust and worthiness, knowing that we are being guided and supported.
Resiliency & Stress Hardiness – some people just intuitively know how to bounce back and look for the lessons learned from every situation. They foster an inner knowing that things always have a way of working out.
Self-talk – the way we talk to ourselves has a dramatic effect on our self-esteem and self-worth.

Take Action Challenge: Here are 5 Steps you can take to do your own Self-Esteem Check Up to ensure a very successful school year.

Take stock of where you are right now. Awareness is the very first step to create change in your life. If you don’t know where you’re starting from, how can you get to where you want to go? On a scale of 1 to 10, rate your self-esteem now.

Ask yourself the following questions:
- Have I been successful in previous years at school?
- Do I blame my parents and others for my sense of self-worth?
- Do I believe that money and status makes a person better than others?
- Do I bounce back quickly from set-backs?
- How do I talk to myself – in kind, loving supportive ways or in harsh, critical and judgmental ways?

Take responsibility for your own happiness and well-being. Make a proclamation and say “Today I am officially letting everyone off the hook for my own happiness. From this moment on, I am the one responsible for becoming all that I was born to be.”

Let go of the blame game and be willing to forgive anyone who hasn’t lived up to your expectations. Expectations lead to resentments and resentments only wind up hurting ourselves. It’s like drinking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die, or like my colleague Jeff Yalden says, “Holding on to anger and resentment is like wetting your pants. You’re the only one who feels it, but everyone else can see it!”

Spend more time working on your insides than you do on your outsides with the following three tools:

Visualization: Schedule some quiet time to picture in your mind how you want this school year to go. Paint the future in advance by seeing yourself succeed. Play “make believe” – just like you did when you were a little kid. Most people say “I’ll believe it when I see it.” But the opposite is actually true, you’ll see it “the results” when you believe it. And you do that by putting new beliefs into your mind through creative visualization.

Affirmations: Our thoughts become our reality – wanted or not. So start saying positive things to yourself and watch your life change for the better. Talk to yourself in a supportive way saying things like “I know this is going to be a great year” or “I have what it takes to succeed this year.” We teach others how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves – so start treating yourself the way you wish others would treat you.

Meditation: prayer is when you ask your higher power for what you want, but meditation is when you listen for your answers. Spend some time being quiet and you will develop your own intuitive guidance system that will lead you in the direction of your dreams.

Whether you are a student, parent or teacher, may this school year, be your best year yet!

P.S. Speaking of living your dreams… my friend, Elaine Spitz just interviewed me about my passion for helping others live their dreams in her blog… check it out!

Posted in Self-Esteem |
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The Power of a Dream

August 19, 2009 by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

On June 10, 2009 my son Alex was drafted by the Boston Red Sox and his life long dream had finally come true. It was without a doubt one of the most agonizing and emotional days of my life.

For the past year Alex had been heavily scouted and most of the scouts assured him that they would take him somewhere in the top ten rounds. I was glued to my computer in my office and Alex was on his laptop in the family room. My heart and spirit dropped when we moved into the eleventh round and his name had not been called. Alex came into my office and said “Well, I can always go back to school and hope it happens next year.”

And then suddenly the phone started ringing off the hook!! Calls came in from the San Diego Padres, the Seattle Mariners, the Chicago Cubs and the Boston Red Sox. My son fielded inquiries like a pro and to my utter surprise turned down their offers! He wasn’t being greedy, but he clearly knew his value and worth and also knew that a degree from Duke University (whether he’d return for his senior year or sign in his junior year) was his bargaining chip.

By the 20th round, I was near tears and he was amazingly calm and at one point said to me, “Well, it looks like this isn’t happening this year. It’s OK Mom.” Then the Chicago Cubs called back and offered him the kind of money he had been originally asking for and they said that Alex was going to be their next pick. The Cubs next pick was only 3 teams away and then all of a sudden as we were watching the screen, now both huddled in front of his laptop, and we heard and saw “The Boston Red Sox select Alex Hassan as their 2009, 20th Round Draft Pick.”

We both just looked at each other in total shock and then all of a sudden we both started screaming, laughing, crying, hugging and jumping up and down! It was a miracle and nothing that we could’ve planned or orchestrated ourselves. But this was only the beginning and far from being a done deal.

Let the negotiations begin!

Alex had been drafted as a right handed pitcher and had played as both a pitcher and position player all through high school and college. He had been invited back for his second summer to play for the Cape Cod Baseball League playing for the Orleans Firebirds as the right fielder and as the closer on the mound. He had a fabulous summer both at the plate and on the mound and now the Red Sox were beginning to see him and like him more as a position player.

There is so much more to the story, but on August 1st, Alex accepted the Red Sox’ offer and signed and became an official card-carrying member of The Boston Red Sox! He was immediately assigned to the rookie league, The Lowell Spinners and has been playing right field and is doing phenomenally well. He’s been on a huge hitting streak and recently was named “Player of the Game” and was also highlighted in a fabulous interview on the Spinner’s blog.

Alex Hassan - Player of the Game!

It has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions this summer and I couldn’t be more proud of my son. Through it all, there have been some important lessons that I’d like to share with you.

Never underestimate the power of a dream but be willing to let go of how you think it’s supposed to happen and allow God to handle all the details.
Your choices either lead you towards your goals or away from them. My son doesn’t drink, smoke or do drugs. He is an athelete and has had to make some really tough decisions and has learned how to say “no thanks” with so much grace and dignity. As a result, he has gained respect from his friends and most importantly, has developed self-respect.
Never let the odds get in the way of your dreams and goals. Becoming a professional baseball player is a one in a million shot, but my son is one in a million and I never let him forget that.
Don’t quit five minutes before the miracle happens. There have been so many times that my son wanted to give up and give into the negative thoughts swirling around in his head. But all of our power lies in the present moment and in our ability to shift our thoughts away from fear and doubt and return to the awesome power of love. All things are possible when we look through the lenses of love and possibility thinking. Alex just kept telling himself “I love this game and I was born to play baseball.”
Let go and let God. There’s a funny expression that says “Wanna make God laugh? Tell him your plans!” My husband and I had our house on the market for over six months without so much as a nibble. My plan was to up and move to California, but God reminded me that for now, I am a member of Red Sox Nation! Oooohhh Oooohhh Boston you’re my home!

Alex Hassan - Red Sox Nation
Red Sox Nation!

Posted in Announcements | Law of Attraction | Self-Confidence | Trust |
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