One of the most powerful, if not the most important relationship in a girl’s life is the one she has with her mother. The way a mother and daughter interact and communicate affects and shapes a girl’s sense of self and often forms the basis for the way a girl interacts in every other relationship throughout her life.
But very little forethought goes into the framework of this most important relationship and as a result, it just sort of evolves and morphs and oftentimes escalates into an all out war.
I get emails from girls all across the country asking me questions like “how do i talk to my mom about boys? Whenever i try and bring up the topic i get nervous. Its like i can never have guys as friends or more without my mom over-reacting.” I also get complaints from frustrated girls who tell me that their mother is “so wanna be cool that it drives me crazy” or “sometimes I feel like I’m arguing with another sixteen year old.”
There has been lots written about how to talk to your daughter about; boys, sex, _________ (fill in the blank), but there hasn’t been much written about how to create, or more specifically how to co-create the alliance or framework of this relationship. And before we can answer these burning questions, or if we try to answer them without creating this structure or sacred space, every time there is a challenge, you’ll be right back at this place of frustration. So in essence it’s more about how to have “the talk” before “the talk.”
Co-Creating the Mother/Daughter Alliance
The first step in designing this partnership is to start with a clean slate. If we bring the arguments of yesterday and the resentments of the past into this process, it will never become that safe space of mutual trust and respect. So forgiveness is essential to get go of any blame that will block the flow of positive energy that leads to empowerment. A quick visual would be to imagine erasing a white board so that you start fresh, or you could begin with a prayer and say, “I ask for your forgiveness for anything that has happened in the past and I forgive you too.” Just setting that intention goes a long way towards healing issues from the past.
The next step in co-creating this alliance is to create a safe space that allows both the mother and daughter to learn how to trust each other and set up ground rules and establish boundaries that allows each individual to grow.
I can remember being on a board of directors annual retreat and the facilitator asked each board member to tell the group how they like to be talked to. I was so taken aback because no one had ever asked me that question in my entire life – and certainly not my mother! And ironically, my response was something like “I prefer a gentle approach and I don’t respond at all to being shamed.” Both approaches, both the positive and negative were directly related to the way my mother had treated me.
I am creating a curriculum that will explore the co-creation of this important relationship and I’ll be posting more as this topic evolves and takes shape. The outline for this creation is below, but I welcome your input and feedback as to what you think is important in creating this alliance. I am beginning to see how my purpose has evolved from the deep healing work I’ve done on my own mother/daughter relationship and how challenging it has been to have to do it at my mother’s grave. But heal it, I have and as a result, this beautiful path has been created for me and I see myself helping other mothers and daughters create this sacred alliance. If your mother/daughter relationship has escalated into the all out war that I described above, or if you just want to get back on the same page and need a little guidance in setting up the framework of mutual respect and trust, please give me a call and I would love to work with you. As I said, your mother/daughter interaction affects every other relationship that your daughter will ever have, so this leap of faith investment will bless you both for the rest of your lives.
The Mother/Daughter Alliance
The talk before “the talk”
· Start with a clean slate
· Forgiveness
· Acceptance
· Unconditional love
· Creating a sacred space of mutual respect
· Honoring the light in each other (namaste)
· Establishing ground rules, boundaries
· Communication: speaking your truth, learning to listen with your heart
o I statements
o Articulating what’s going on
o Emotional literacy – identifying feelings and learning to be with them
o Asking powerful questions rather than giving advice and answers
· Letting go of comparisons
· Self-management
· Rituals
· Trust – suspicion destroys it
· Seeing each other as whole and holy – we’re not here to fix each other
· Agreements
o Agreeing to disagree
o Not taking anything personally