Today’s video is about how to “attract” the right guy into your life. I want to thank Isabel who emailed me with her powerful question/challenge about boys.

I’m so excited!! I have joined the ranks of millions of other “You Tubers” and am now the director of my own channel on You Tube!! I am also working with a new intern this summer and she has been a gift from heaven above. Her name is Eileen O’Neill and she has brought so much joy and creativity into my work.

Eileen and I have created several new videos to help teen girls become the amazing women they were born to be.

Here is my directorial debut video on You Tube:

One of the most powerful, if not the most important relationship in a girl’s life is the one she has with her mother. The way a mother and daughter interact and communicate affects and shapes a girl’s sense of self and often forms the basis for the way a girl interacts in every other relationship throughout her life.

But very little forethought goes into the framework of this most important relationship and as a result, it just sort of evolves and morphs and oftentimes escalates into an all out war.

I get emails from girls all across the country asking me questions like “how do i talk to my mom about boys? Whenever i try and bring up the topic i get nervous. Its like i can never have guys as friends or more without my mom over-reacting.” I also get complaints from frustrated girls who tell me that their mother is “so wanna be cool that it drives me crazy” or “sometimes I feel like I’m arguing with another sixteen year old.”

There has been lots written about how to talk to your daughter about; boys, sex, _________ (fill in the blank), but there hasn’t been much written about how to create, or more specifically how to co-create the alliance or framework of this relationship. And before we can answer these burning questions, or if we try to answer them without creating this structure or sacred space, every time there is a challenge, you’ll be right back at this place of frustration. So in essence it’s more about how to have “the talk” before “the talk.”

Co-Creating the Mother/Daughter Alliance

The first step in designing this partnership is to start with a clean slate. If we bring the arguments of yesterday and the resentments of the past into this process, it will never become that safe space of mutual trust and respect. So forgiveness is essential to get go of any blame that will block the flow of positive energy that leads to empowerment. A quick visual would be to imagine erasing a white board so that you start fresh, or you could begin with a prayer and say, “I ask for your forgiveness for anything that has happened in the past and I forgive you too.” Just setting that intention goes a long way towards healing issues from the past.

The next step in co-creating this alliance is to create a safe space that allows both the mother and daughter to learn how to trust each other and set up ground rules and establish boundaries that allows each individual to grow. 

I can remember being on a board of directors annual retreat and the facilitator asked each board member to tell the group how they like to be talked to. I was so taken aback because no one had ever asked me that question in my entire life – and certainly not my mother! And ironically, my response was something like “I prefer a gentle approach and I don’t respond at all to being shamed.” Both approaches, both the positive and negative were directly related to the way my mother had treated me.

 I am creating a curriculum that will explore the co-creation of this important relationship and I’ll be posting more as this topic evolves and takes shape. The outline for this creation is below, but I welcome your input and feedback as to what you think is important in creating this alliance.  I am beginning to see how my purpose has evolved from the deep healing work I’ve done on my own mother/daughter relationship and how challenging it has been to have to do it at my mother’s grave. But heal it, I have and as a result, this beautiful path has been created for me and I see myself helping other mothers and daughters create this sacred alliance.  If your mother/daughter relationship has escalated into the all out war that I described above, or if you just want to get back on the same page and need a little guidance in setting up the framework of mutual respect and trust, please give me a call and I would love to work with you. As I said, your mother/daughter interaction affects every other relationship that your daughter will ever have, so this leap of faith investment will bless you both for the rest of your lives.   

The Mother/Daughter Alliance

The talk before “the talk”

·        Start with a clean slate

·        Forgiveness

·        Acceptance

·        Unconditional love

·        Creating a sacred space of mutual respect

·        Honoring the light in each other (namaste)

·        Establishing ground rules, boundaries

·        Communication: speaking your truth, learning to listen with your heart

o       I statements

o       Articulating what’s going on

o       Emotional literacy – identifying feelings and learning to be with them

o       Asking powerful questions rather than giving advice and answers

·        Letting go of comparisons

·        Self-management

·        Rituals

·        Trust – suspicion destroys it

·        Seeing each other as whole and holy – we’re not here to fix each other

·        Agreements

o       Agreeing to disagree

o       Not taking anything personally

Dear Kathleen,  As a teenage girl, I feel too much pressure to be beautiful, skinny, and fashionable. First of all, I know it is pretty normal to find faults with my body. The thing that bugs me about it is how much people look into it. Most of the time, the people who are being affected by the “size two” plague, as I call it, are not overweight. I am a little overweight, but not to the point that a good exercise program won’t get rid of it. Yet, I see girls and women who are thinner than me going through extremes to be even thinner. I see them severely dieting, using weight-loss pills, going into treatment centers for slimming and trimming products, even becoming anorexic and bulimic.  It is not only harmful for them mentally, but it is very harmful to them physically. Fashion is also becoming too essential. Fashion is beginning to have a very negative impact on teens. Everyone shouldn’t feel the need to look the same and wear only a certain brand. I don’t really like to be noticed. I hate it when people look at me like, what is she wearing, it is a horrible feeling. I like a lot of crazy colors and cool styles; it is something I have gained from living overseas. Because of the teasing and scorning that occurs, there are a lot of teens that don’t dress in clothes they personally find fashionable, comfortable, or cool. I don’t think this is very fair’ because as I said, I am able to buy unique clothing from different parts of the world. I love to wear them. I don’t wear those clothes around everyone, because I know it will bring about teasing and strange looks.

The fact that there is such a need for everyone to be the same in such a diverse world is such a waste. All girls don’t need to be a size two to be beautiful. All teens don’t need to look the same and wear the same clothes to be cool and fashionable. Everyone should have the privilege of being creative and being who he or she wants to be, without fear of what people will think.As I told you in the other email I feel this is a problem that I hope will be fixed. Seeing as it is a rising problem I doubt it will happen in my lifetime, but, it helps to express your feelings. I enjoyed your website thoroughly and I will defiantly recommend it to people searching for advice and help. Thank you for your support.  Sincerely, 

Mika Lawton

Nothing can throw a teen off course quite like a breakup. All the energy that goes into this real-life drama can thwart academic progress and derail athletic performance as well. But pretending it didn’t happen isn’t the solution, nor is wallowing in the “if only’s.”

The Breakdown

Boy meets girl. Lust at first sight. Hormones raging. Lips locked in marathon make-out sessions. Hating to be away from each other and anxious for the next encounter. Non-stop texting. Moved to #1 on buddy list.

The Breakup

The newness fades. Flaws and defects begin to rear their ugly heads. You feel powerless to control the situation and yet that only strengthens your resolve to try to fix it. Playing the victim brings you some relief as your friends rally to validate everything you’re feeling. Fear sets in and your self-esteem plummets as you internalize all of this as somehow your fault and you vow to work harder to please. You’re scrambling now and using up every ounce of energy you have to set things right and get back to where you were.

Manipulation runs rampant until one brave soul musters the courage to finally say “this isn’t working.”

Boom. You crumble. Even if you saw it coming, nothing prepares you for those god-awful feelings that you’re left holding.

So now what?

The Breakthrough

Feel your feelings. Note, I didn’t say “wallow in your feelings.” It is so important to feel your feelings. Otherwise you’ll just keep pressing them down and one fine day when you least expect it, you’ll either explode in a fit of rage or implode in depression.

Give yourself time to grieve what you lost. Decide just how long you’ll give this your attention. For example, you might say “For the next hour I am going to cry, kick, scream and whine – and then I’m going to let it go.” If an hour doesn’t cut it, give yourself a couple of days. But the important part is to let those feelings go.  

Get clear about what you want. Most teens waste tons of energy romanticizing what was. I worked with a girl who spent nine months of misery trying to get her boyfriend back. Together we made a list of what she liked about her ex, and then added to that list everything she wanted in a soul mate kind of relationship. Through the process, she discovered that she really didn’t like the way the ex treated her and that she deserved better! The minute she got clear about what she was looking for, she started to feel better and began to effortlessly attract guys who had the very qualities that were on her list. 

Shift your focus. What you think about becomes your reality. Give your attention to the list that you created and get excited about the possibility of having someone treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Imagine someone loving you for who you are – just the way you are. Picture yourself feeling safe to speak your truth and being with someone who honors and respects your thoughts and opinions.

Be grateful for the experience. That relationship was brought into your life to provide you with enough contrast and emotional charge about what you didn’t want so that you’d have a much clearer perspective to help you figure out exactly what you do want. See that messy, clumsy and imperfect relationship as a blessing and a gift that raised your awareness and brought you to a new level of understanding about yourself.

Always remember, it is better to want what you do not have, than to have what you do not want. Life is too short and too precious to just accept and settle for whatever comes along. Stay focused on what you want. Appreciate the contrast for what it is. Get excited about the power of your thoughts to create your reality. We teach others how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves. Love yourself and demand the best and then open your arms and your heart to receive everything you deserve.   

Birds do it, bees do it
Even educated fleas do it…

But Middle Schoolers? Say it isn’t so.

When songwriter Cole Porter penned his memorable lyrics in 1928 he was talking about “falling in love” not “making love.” Apparently peer pressure was a factor even back then as the song implies, everyone is “doing it” so why shouldn’t we do it too.  

Fast forward eighty years and peer pressure, although still a factor, isn’t the only pressure on today’s teens and tweens. Thanks to the hormones in our food and milk supply, girls are developing at a much earlier age. Thanks to our image-obsessed and sexually permissive culture, girls are apparently “doing it” at a much earlier age also.

Middle Schools in Baltimore and Seattle are “doing it” and now Portland Maine is joining in. The New York Times reported that on October 18, 2007, the Portland Maine School Board approved, in a 10-2 vote, a proposal by the Portland Division of Public Health which would allow children as young as 11 to have access to the birth control pill and patch without parental notification.

“Obviously we want to prevent our babies from having babies. But these schools are missing the boat on what kind of programs they should be offering these kids. Sex is complicated enough – even for most adults, many who have spent years in therapy trying to make sense of their own sexual excursions of adolescence. Giving eleven year olds birth control is just any easy way out of a very complicated issue.” says Self-Esteem Expert and Teen Life Coach, Kathleen Hassan.

Hassan, who has been delivering programs to teens and tweens for the last decade on self-esteem and empowerment, says “schools need to be proactive – not reactive, and develop programs that foster self-esteem, self-worth and self-respect. We need to teach our kids how to connect to their inner-most power and help them to understand the sacredness of their bodies, minds and spirits. Anything less is just putting a bandage on a cancerous wound, and the ripple effect will be far worse than just kids having sex, as depression, addiction and suicide rates will no doubt escalate for these children.”

###

 Kathleen Hassan’s Parenting Tips for Building High Self-Esteem in Your Pre-Teen Daughter 

1. Have “the talk” now. Don’t wait for your daughter to learn about sex from her peers or from the school mandated sex-ed program. Give her plenty of opportunity to ask questions and give her honest answers.
2. Help your daughter understand how sacred her body is. Everyone you allow into your private space becomes part of you energetically for the rest of your life. Break down the word intimacy; into me I allow you to see.
3. Sign her up for a teen yoga class so she can begin to understand that she is more than just her body but rather a divine combination of body, mind and spirit.
4. Ask your daughter to make a list of the qualities she would look for in a friend, boyfriend and yes, even in a soul mate so that she will never settle for just anyone who comes along.
5. Hire a Life Coach for your daughter to help her find her voice and power, unearth her innermost desires and dreams and make choices that will lead her in the direction of her goals.

Kathleen Hassan, The Queen of Teen Self-Esteem, is an author, professional speaker and teen life coach and travels the country presenting programs on self-esteem, stress management and empowerment. Her hard-earned wisdom and real-life lessons are based on her own journey from troubled teen to teen mentor to successful entrepreneur. She can be reached at 617-698-1976 or visit her online at www.KathleenHassan.com.

With Halloween just around the corner, it got me thinking about masks – not in the costume sense, but rather in the way we hide our true selves from others. 

When we were little, wearing masks was all about playing make believe and pretending to be someone else just for fun. But as we get older and the pressure to fit in gets bigger, we may wear a mask to try and get others to like us or accept us into the group. Before long, we get so good at fooling others that eventually we wind up deceiving ourselves because even we don’t know who we really are.  

We all have our roles in life; student, son, daughter, mother, father, teacher, friend. But there may be roles that we play and masks we wear that we may not even be aware of and that may be keeping us trapped in fear and insecurity. 

For example, you may be someone who demands perfection from everything that you do. In some ways, that characteristic will serve you, but more often than not, this kind of striving can leave you feeling like you’ll never be good enough. You may be wearing the mask of the judge, who is forever criticizing and demanding perfection of yourself and others.

 If you’ve ever done anything just to fit in, or said “yes” when you really wanted to say “no,” you may be wearing the mask of the chameleon that continually changes its colors to blend in with any environment, which can put you in compromising and even dangerous situations.  

There are others too such as; the bully, the victim, the imposter, the rebel, the clown – and all of them are covering up feelings of insecurity about who you really are. There is no shame in discovering that you’ve been wearing a mask. But it’s important to realize this truth – not everyone is going to like us. So if we live our lives becoming the best, most authentic version of ourselves, the people that do like us, actually like us for who we really are.    

Wearing masks may give us temporary relief and may give us the illusion that we are safe and secure, but it takes so much energy to keep up the façade that eventually we end up exhausted and depressed. If you keep pressing the real you down, the only possible and inevitable outcome is depression.

Here are 3 tips to help you take off the mask:

1. Get to know yourself: This is one of the most important jobs you have in life. Self-knowledge is the key to self-mastery, power, self-confidence and inner peace.
2. Stop comparing yourself to others: There is no one on the planet quite like you and the world wouldn’t be the same without you in it. It is so much more important to be a first rate version of you instead of a second rate version of someone else.
3. Celebrate your strengths: make a list of everything you like about yourself. Like attracts like, so when you focus on your strengths, you’ll attract more positive people, events and situations back to you.

Save the mask for Halloween. The world doesn’t need another insecure, depressed teen. We need strong, confident leaders. We need you.

I’m thrilled to announce the launch of my new website. I feel like I’ve just given birth! It’s truly been a labor of love and I can’t wait to share it with you and the world.

Along with the new site, we are moving into a new state-of-the-art email program and are migrating our mailing list over to the new system. To stay with me and to make sure you receive all of the updates about the great new programs and materials we are creating, along with our monthly e-zine Shine!, you’ll need to go to my website and sign back up.

It is simple and will only take a minute. But I promise you, it will be worth it! Simply click the HOME button above, which will take you to my new site. For starters, the minute you enter your name and email address you’ll receive a FREE copy of my new e-book, Self-Esteem is Priceless: 52 Ways to Raise Your Self-Esteem. It is filled with practical tips and easy to implement ideas that will help you become more confident and secure - from the inside out.

But that’s not all… We have created a beautifully animated story book called Square Peg Round Hole, about a girl named Peg who is desperately trying to fit in. I know you will LOVE this story and will want to share it with every girl in your life. We want Peg to go viral and help every girl in the world learn how to love and accept herself - just the way she is.

When you forward this story on, you’ll receive another FREE gift downloaded directly to your email: a 20 minute mp3 of Affirmations set to music. These powerful statements will help you anchor new positive beliefs into your subconscious mind and will help you to shift your thoughts from fear, worry and anxiety towards power, well-being and inner peace.

Here’s all you have to do, just click the Home button above and you’ll be whisked off to my website. Fill in your name and email in the sign-up box and then enjoy the site! There are lots of new features, including an ASK Kathleen page where you can ask me your most burning question about self-esteem, parenting teens or dealing with stress and burnout. Your questions will be answered during out upcoming monthly tele-seminar series.

Two spots have just opened up in my Inner Circle Coaching Group. One of my favorite clients that I’ve worked with since she was in tenth grade, just left for college. When I went to her graduation party, her dad was standing near the door talking with another man and when he saw me walk in, he stopped mid-sentence and then said to the other gentleman, “This woman coming in the door is the reason we are here celebrating tonight!” And his daughter, my client, had this to say about our work together, “Thank you for everything! You are the strongest soul I know. Without you as my coach and friend, I don’t know where I would be. You do amazing work and I love you so much!” I am so incredibly blessed and privileged to work with such amazing young women. If you’d like some assistance in getting clearer about your own desires, or perhaps your daughter needs some help in maneuvering her way through the teen years, please contact me. I was born to help others transform their dreams into reality. Let me help you create a life you absolutely love.
Kathleen Hassan
Kathleen Hassan Communications

Remember that lame assignment they always gave you at the start of every school year? “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” tolled the official end of summer and started every year off heading in the wrong direction. Just like you can’t drive forward while looking in the rear-view mirror, you can’t get ready for a brand new year by starting it off looking backwards. Summer is over – it’s time to look ahead. Spend some time thinking about how you want this school year to be. Just by shifting your thoughts, you will be creating your future and unleashing the power of intention.

An intention is something that you plan to do or achieve. With focused attention and concentrated energy, anything you can dream you can achieve – as long as you believe. A belief is just a thought you’ve replayed over and over again and accepted it as fact. Your thoughts create your reality so it’s best to keep your thoughts focused on what you want. In other words, you get what you think about most.

Sounds easy right? Think again. The problem is that most people spend all of their time thinking and focusing on what they don’t want.  

Here’s an easy way to figure out what you’re thinking. Pay attention to how you are feeling. Your feelings are your built-in emotional guidance system. When you think positive thoughts, you feel good. There are two ways to enter into this school year; with anticipation or apprehension. Anticipation feels good. Apprehension feels awful.

Our intentions play a significant role in what shows up in our lives. If our intentions are fear based they are fueled by strong negative emotions which give them more power.

As a result, here’s what happens:

            If you think you’ll never make any new friends – you probably won’t.

            If you think you’ll be totally stressed with so much work – you probably will be.

            If you think that you’ll never fit in – you probably won’t.

The good news is that the opposite is also true:

            If you think you’ll make new friends easily – you probably will.

            If you think that you’ll handle everything just fine – you probably will.

            If you think that being yourself is cool – you’re way cool.

When you begin to practice this new way of thinking, you are developing new beliefs. It may feel strange or even silly at first because in essence you’re really playing “make believe.” Most people say “I’ll believe it when I see it.” But when you shift your thoughts to what you want you will begin to “see it because you believe it.” 

Decide right now that this is going to be the best year of your life. Eliminate the words “I can’t” from your vocabulary. Begin this school year with a new assignment: “How I Will Spend This School Year.” You don’t even have to write it; just picture it in your mind. Envision getting good grades. See yourself making the team. Imagine hanging out with great friends who let you be you. Then at the end of the school year, look back, see and believe in your own power to dream, believe and achieve.

The Only Thing You Can’t Get at the Mall is the Most Important Thing of All  The words back to school conjure up so many mixed emotions for parents and teens. The office supply superstore commercial portrays parents skipping up and down the aisles filling their baskets with pens and notebooks while “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” blares through store. But for teens, those words can often evoke a sense of fear and insecurity as they scurry to make sure they have the right stuff in order to be all that.  

The world-wide credit card company ad might go something like this…

Abercrombie & Fitch jeans; $89.50, Nike Air Max sneakers; $150.00, the new LG Chocolate slide phone; $149.98, Coach Signature Soho bag; $218.00…

Feeling as good on the inside as you’re trying to look on the outside? Priceless!

Advertisers spend billions of dollars marketing to teens to convince you that you’re not enough without their products – and it’s working. According to the US Bureau of Statistics, there are approximately 24.3 million teenagers aged 12-17 in the United States and that age demographic spends approximately $120 billion dollars each year! Add in cradle-to-grave brand loyalty campaigns and kids from infants to teens influence about $600 billion in household spending annually.

Well-meaning parents only want what’s best for their kids. But unfortunately trying to buy self-esteem always backfires and only creates a sense of entitlement rather than empowerment. MTV’s “My Super Sweet Sixteen” takes the old adage “keeping up with the Joneses” to a whole new stratosphere and has created a culture of kids “jonesing” for the next best thing to make them feel OK.

Don’t get me wrong, I happen to love stuff. There is nothing wrong with having great shoes to go with that perfect outfit, or living in a beautiful home or driving a spiffy new sports car. It’s just that when we get our sense of self from stuff, it will never be enough.

When I ask teens what they want, they initially respond with a list of stuff. When I ask them to write down what they want, they open up more and the answers get more specific; getting good grades, having great friends and getting into a good college. But when I dig deeper and ask, “What do you really want?” the underlying desire of every teen in the world is “I want to be confident. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to be loved for being me – just the way I am.” This is the stuff that money can’t buy and needs to be cultivated from within.

The solution? Take responsibility for consciously developing your own self-esteem. This applies to both parents and teens because parents see their kids from their own perspective based on their own sense of self.

Here are three suggestions on how to raise your own self-esteem:

1. Analyze the messages you give to yourself. Are they encouraging? If you find yourself saying something negative, such as “I’m such a loser,” consciously tell yourself to stop. Use positive self-talk and replace negative statements with positive affirmations, such as; “I am enough – just the way I am, I matter, I am loved and loveable.” We teach people how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves. You want love? Start loving yourself.  
2. Avoid the comparison trap. Stop comparing your insides to someone else’s outsides. You never know, the girl with the brand new Louis Vuitton bag might be dying inside. If someone has something that you wish you had, instead of being jealous, add it to your wish list and say “That’s for me!” When you shift your energy from jealousy to intention, you become a magnet and actually attract more great things into your life.
3. Spend as much time on the inside as you do on the outside. Shift your attention within and connect to your inner power. Check in often during the day and notice how you’re feeling. Do some deep breathing exercises, write in a journal and feel what it feels like to just be. When you feel good, you look good – no matter what you’re wearing.

Want more? Visit my website and download my free e-book, “52 Ways to Build Your Self-Esteem.”